Dawn of the Red Family II
by zopponde
Summary: The continuation of Dawn of the Red Family: Time has passed since Tobi's little...selection, but the name stuck, but things have been too quiet until Tobi comes back from a mission, and Pein learns that there's more to a family than the first generation..
1. Prologue

**A/n: **It's here!! WHOOOOOO!!!! (that's supposed to be a cheer) And it's got a prologue! Uhhh...yeah! Prologue! On the second story!...yeah, I'm odd. Of course, if you're just figuring this out, you were probably dropped on your head when you were a child. Much like I may or may not have been.

And yes. It was obvious. Obviously obvious. So painfully obviously obvious that everyone knows. Really. But, it happened. And I seem to have a slight obsession with girls in Akatsuki getting pregnant...to the point where I don't even think about what they're going to do. Ahhh, fond (or something) memories of really Mary-Sue OCs...

Pein is Malcolm Reynolds again. Except more obsessive. And Kai is Inara. Except not...I'm not explaining that. Anyone who's seen the TV series Firefly or the movie Serenity will probably know what I'm talking about.

Anyway...I left Konan as Kai, because...why not? It's not very far into it, I don't think it would take much persuasion to make me have her as Konan from here on out. I really should. I keep calling her Kai, mentally and everything.

As of yet, I have considerably less plot than the last story. Yeah. But there are children! In Akatsuki...not the most original thing, but hey, there's a reason why it's done a lot, right?

In case anyone's still confused, the three pairings that I yet have in mind are as follows:  
PeinxKonan/Kai/that one, SasorixDeidara, and ItachixTobi. Someone was wondering about Itachi, and that's what I had in mind. And maybe sort of kind of something else, but it's in the past, gotten over, forgotten, long-gone, and only matters in the physical remnants.

**Warnings: **Before the end of this...notstraightness, bad parenting, more notstraightness, and really bad parenting, violent little tiny girls and maybe some cats too, and...do pregnancies count?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any characters yet listed. They're all property of evil slave driver Masashi Kishimoto, as of yet.

* * *

Pein stared at the ceiling, his spiraling gaze harsh enough that he couldn't say he was terribly surprised to see a small crack that hadn't been there when he'd first crawled into bed. He wondered vaguely how long it had been since the sun set, and how long it would be until it rose again, and what would happen when everything that the sunrise would trigger came into motion. It could be anything from happy and peaceful to angry and chaotic. He couldn't even by certain that it would happen—and that worried him. Oh, it worried him so, but maybe it worried him more that it would happen but it wouldn't be ideal, and that there would be some kind of big change that he hadn't anticipated. Possibilities upon possibilities piled in his head, the pressure of them keeping him awake during the long hours of the night before the day he would least want to sleep through. 

Because tomorrow would be the day Kai came back.

Kai had been gone for some nine months, and while Pein…well, Pein was a sneaky bastard when he wanted to be, and often a cheater, so he had kept in contact with Kai nonetheless, sort of, meeting up with her once a month despite his orders to keep out of contact with her. Tonight was just like any other night when he'd run off to see Kai in the village that she'd chosen to stay at. Every time, she smiled happily, and they spent time doing virtually nothing but basking in each others' presence, and he was happy to find her in good health, and maybe even happier to see that she didn't seem to have made a lot of contact with the rest of the city—not that her being antisocial was the best thing, but it meant that she wouldn't be missed when she returned to Akatsuki, and it meant that she wasn't meeting with other men or anything.

For all he knew, she had been eyeing someone but thought better of starting a relationship, because, really, she knew probably better than anyone else that it would displease him, and people who displeased him were doomed to very unfortunate fates. Yes, it wasn't out of the question that she'd _thought_ of another man, but chances were pretty slim that she'd actually done anything with anyone.

Pein knew this, and Pein told himself this, and Pein repeated this to himself, and he knew that he knew that he knew it, but for some reason, he remained unchanged, staring with ceiling-cracking intensity at the same spot above his head and body as he had when he first laid down, and indeed still staring, his eyes still open, not closed in the bliss that he so hoped that sleep would bring him. At least it would give him enough energy to not fall on Kai the moment he saw her. That would be very…unleader-like.

Of course, it would also be unleader-like to read Hagar the Horrible every morning, but he did that anyway, so it would technically be okay to fall on Kai because he already did unleader-like things, right?

Wrong. He was okay reading Hagar the Horrible because nobody knew. If they knew, he would be publicly considered unleader-like and thus he would loose all faith and trust and Akatsuki would fall apart. Except maybe Tobi's little family thing would probably keep them together _somewhat_, so they'd probably wind up being a cleaning service or something silly like that rather than conquerors of the world.

And he'd rather that they fall apart than they become a cleaning service. Which wasn't to say that the concept of Akatsuki in maid uniforms wasn't…interesting, to say the least, and thinking of Kai in that uniform almost made him want to confess to reading the comic strips in the newspaper in the vain hope of seeing her like that. But he didn't want Akatsuki to lose its pride, so he would have to settle with Kai in whatever she wanted to wear. Except he didn't even have Kai.

Pein couldn't wait for tomorrow. Which was why he so hated this mysterious insomnia.

Time passed. Pein didn't even bother trying to keep track of it—he would only hate that wakeful anxiety more, and that hatred would make it even harder to fall asleep, if it was even at all possible. But he did know that, eventually, a fine line of dust trickled from that hole in the ceiling. That trickle rapidly grew, then rapidly shrank, revealing a miniscule hole in the ceiling, not much larger from Pein's point of view than the period at the end of this sentence. But it was a hole nonetheless, and a hole in the ceiling will always show the sky, which, in this case, was the bright blue of daytime.

Pein had officially not slept for at least twenty-four hours. Not that he was proud of it, but it was so, and he sighed to break the silence as he shoved the sheets aside and sat up.

Shortly after, Pein emerged from his bedroom, his Akatsuki robe draped over his shoulders sloppily and mostly zipped up, at least enough that nobody would know that he was wearing only underwear beneath it. He closed the door behind him, running a hand through his bed-ruffled hair as he dully wished that he'd remembered his allergy pill last night.

AppaHanatly, however, bed-head and rivers of mucus down either side of his nose did not do anything to decrease anyone's happiness to see him, considering that he saw only a flash of blue before finding himself on the ground with a warm body on top of him, and his elbow suddenly hurt, and a head of blue hair nuzzling his shoulder.

The next thing he realized was that everyone else in Akatsuki was fully dressed and watching, ranging from two feet to ten feet away from the foot of the figure on top of him. All of them looked rather tired, for whatever reason, but smiled when they saw that he emerged.

And then Pein thought he realized what happened. Kai was already back, for whatever reason, and was appaHanatly so happy to see him that she totally just…what would the word for that be? Hug? Attack? No…probably glomp. Yes, she glomped him.

Wait, what?

Pein cleared his throat, and her head retreated to look up at him adoringly, proving that it was, indeed, Kai, though she was slightly harder to recognize without her flower.

He would have smiled, but that would have been unleader-like. But then, she smiled at him brightly, and his lips widened anyway. Although his question still wasn't answered…

"Honey," he muttered enduringly, "when did you get back, and why was I not informed of your return?"

"Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for you to wake up?" Kai demanded, pouting slightly. "I got here right when you wanted me to, but you locked the door and didn't come out, so I had to wait around in the hallway for_ever_."

"It wasn't _that_ long, was it?" Pein breathed. Did he seriously lock himself in his room for that long?

"It's three in the afternoon, sweetheart," Kai informed with a cheerful front.

Pein blinked. "Already?"

"Already," Kai repeated, smiling glossily.

* * *

**A/n again: **Hope you liked it. Or at least that you can stand it...yeah.

**Preview: **Three years have passed since this whole thing started, and Pein's starting to wonder if maybe this softened them up too much...

**Special: Comparrison: **Today's Special is going to focus on where the hell Pein's not-so-professional-ness is coming from.  
Unfortunately, I think I put some of my own faults into this. If anything is happening on any given day that will possibly be good or possibly be bad, I can't sleep at all, hence Pein's insomnia. Except he was actually thinking about it. I just lay there cursing my insomnia and how I have nothing to worry about tomorrow as long as I get some sleep...which I don't.  
The other main source, as I've complained before, is Malcolm Reynolds. I doubt that any of my readers know who he is, so I'll explain. On a series called Firefly (live-action, not anime, but I wouldn't say it's entirely dissimilar to some), Mal is the captain of the space ship Serenity, and the crew of that ship pretty much just works to get by, doing some things that aren't so morally correct (see the comparrison?). The main difference is that Mal, in the end, has a heart. Well, usually. It really does seem to vary. But he's usually kind of improvised. And I keep making Pein do that, too.


	2. Anniversary

**A/n:** Ahhh, I'm sorry! I meant to post this yesterday, but the internet mysteriously kicked the bucket. Really, it was like--pop--the computer's off--pop--the computer's on, and then I (wait forever for it to turn on and all, but then I) open Internet Explorer and it FAILS. Stupid...oh well. At least I got to my dA fans before that...

Okay. Chapter two...er, one. Yeah, that's right. Cause one was a prologue. Okay. Chapter one...oh yes, a timeline shall be provided here:

DRF I (and yes, that's the abbreviation): whenever, really. Theoretically, it's pre-Shippuden, but the timeline is pretty much irrelevant to the show's plot.  
DRF I epilogue: a month or two after the end of the rest of it  
DRF II prologue: nine months after DRF I  
DRF II: three years after the beginning of DRF I

Yeah. So...it's DRF Shippuden : 3

So...I think that's all I have to say. Except that I've been in a really good mood (despite being overworked) because people have been reading my other fanfiction. It gives me this nice warm fuzzy feeling inside...and someone--nay, TWO people--offered to Beta-read for me! Yay for having a Beta-reader!...and I still don't know exactly what that means I have to do...eheh...

By the way...this still has virtually no actual plot. It's a concept, definitely, albeit one of less originality, but in the end, I have no plot. So, there's nothing planned really going on, so it deviates from that one-chapter-almost-always-is-the-next-day-at-breakfast-or-otherwise-in-the-morning. Most chapters do take place in the morning, but they're not all in procession.

And yeah, no more listing of the fans. Because that really was troublesome.

And I'm still calling Konan Kai. Because...just because. Because I technically can.

**Disclaimer: **Masashi Kishimoto might be mean to Akatsuki, but he still owns them, and all I can do about it is write a fanfiction in which Akatsuki leads happier lives. Well...maybe Pein doesn't live such a happier life. But at least it's a longer life.

* * *

Pein was struck by a very random thought, and he dropped the newspaper to look around at the rest of Akatsuki, no longer caring about how obvious his sectional choice was because he was currently skimming through the Real Estate section out of sheer boredom. Left to right, he looked intensely at each and every one of them; Hidan, Kakuzu, Zetsu, Kisame, Itachi, Tobi, Deidara, Sasori, and, of course, Kai. He brought his hands in front of his face; they were more calloused that before, but not much, because life had been pretty good to him, all things considered, and he hadn't worked much since that day. 

Deidara noticed his leader's motion, and he made a noncommittal noise and asked, "Otou-sama? Is something wrong?"

Pein smiled slightly. "Three years."

"What?" Deidara asked incredulously. "Uhh…Leader-otousama? Are you feeling well?"

"Of course I am," Pein answered, still smiling tiredly. "We've been a family for three years today. How could I not be?"

Akatsuki blinked collectively. It was almost interesting—each and every member was perfectly synchronized, each eye opening and closing at the exact same moment—nay, it was highly interesting, or it would be to anyone who could be amused more easily than Pein, and Tobi did indeed giggle after that split-second.

"Three years ago," Pein went on, "Tobi was on the table…"

Tobi barked a panicked laughter, leaning in on the table and waving his arms at Pein. "L-l-Leader-otousama, w-we all know what happened, do we r-really need to talk about it more?"

Deidara laughed out loud and slammed his hand onto Tobi's back three times, the masked man's breath escaping in small yelps with each contact. "Come on, Otouto, why'd ya do it if you'd wish nobody would talk about it?"

Tobi laughed awkwardly and more than slightly insanely and leaned back in his chair, slouching as he ruffled his hair. "W-well, you see…" He laughed a little more. "Ehhh…well, come on, it works, right?" he asked, gesturing with what seemed to be an exaggerated shrug.

"Oh, yeah, totally," Hidan agreed sarcastically. "I mean, I'm so fucking _obviously_ the very _escence_ of every other person's fucking grandmother!"

More awkward laughter from behind the spiral mask preceded Tobi's strained reply. "I-it made more sense at the time…"

Hidan laughed genuinely. "Yeah, I know, and you did a pretty good job for such a strained timeframe, Tobi-chan!"

Hidan…was smiling…genuinely…Pein felt the lower half of his eye twitch, and he most certainly noticed Tobi shuddering. Pein smiled somewhat and asked, "Regretting our previous actions, are we now, Tobi-chan? I thought we raised you better than that…"

Itachi notably exhaled before coming to Tobi's rescue. "No offense, but you seem to be horrible parents, considering how Sasori-san and Deidara-san came out."

"Hey!" Deidara protested, the arm that he hadn't used to pat Tobi's back currently being wrapped around Sasori's shoulder. "We're not _that_ screwed up!"

Sasori opened his mouth for a second before closing it again and shaking his head.

Pein nodded. "Yes, I suppose that's a point. Maybe it's because we were never really involved in your lives until a few years ago…"

"I'm _not_ screwed up, damn it!" Deidara protested, still not letting go of Sasori. "Just because I like the same gender doesn't mean—"

"Keep in mind, Deidara," Itachi reminded him, "according to the family order, you do not like the same gender, but you do like your brother."

Deidara paused to ponder this before relaxing and admitting, "True…"

Pein smiled faintly again, but there was something else that he realized: he'd hardly sent anyone out on missions at all since they became family. That may have been their only saving grace, the only reason that they hadn't been found and killed or crowned and worshiped, or whatever else their fate as attempted conquerors of the world would bring them. Thinking about it, he realized that, really, there had barely been one mission a month, and that was always done by a single team, so nobody really had been getting out much.

And maybe that was part of why they accepted this family idea so well. After all, they had three years to adapt, and three years can go a lot faster when there's a lot less running about, risking your life to scrape up enough money to conquer the world at the same time that it kept alive a "family" of ten. Maybe they accepted it _too_ well. Maybe it was because they had taken advantage of Akatsuki being a gathering point, and they had forgotten their purposes, they might need a reminder.

Maybe it was time to send everyone out on missions again…

* * *

**A/n again: **By the way, when Deidara refers to Tobi as Otouto, that's Japanese for little brother. I feel so smart that I actually know it. 

Everyone's out on missions. Except Pein declared them after breakfast, so you'll never get the details. Until next chapter.

**Preview: **Pein begins to regret a rearranging of the teams in Akatsuki when Tobi brings home an unnexpected...well, Pein hopes that they're just visiting.

**Special: Offspring: **Hey, remember Kai's vacation way back when? Technically, it was over about...two years and two months ago? Something like that. Too bad, I have no confidence in writing about little children, so I'm stretching it. Her offspring is instead something more like three-four years old, rather than two-three.  
I had a lot of comflict about exactly how that was going to come out. Between gender and names and Mary-Sue-ness and a whole bunch of other minor conflicts, I was kind of reluctant to bring that into the story. Because I was totally confused as to what to do.  
So, now's the time that I somehow miraculously spontaneously get over not liking being blunt and saying that she had twins of opposing genders. As in one boy and one girl.  
Oh so Mary-Sue, I know. And when you consider another addition in here, I'm sure that plenty of people will stop reading it. But, really, I just needed the gender variation.  
And I suddenly had a random thought of maybe making this a trilogy, and in the third we somehow wind up becoming aware of Sasuke and Sakura having a child...not that I'm too much of a fan of SasuSaku (more of a SasuNaru kind of person, really), I just love the idea of turturing Sasuke by giving him a pink-haired son.


	3. Repeat

**A/n: **Chapter two...meh. Chapter two.

There are a few differences between this story and the last one. One: there's no definite system; it's in no way technically predictable, no specific format for each chapter. Two: it's not regularly Chapter one: day one, Chapter two: day two; it's a lot more irregular in the timeline sense. Three: I made an actual plot for it! Really, there's an actual timeline and everything, that I made! So I know where the freaking hell I'm going with this!

Oddly, I'm still getting questions about Itachi. Didn't I already...? Fine, I'll spell it out. **ITACHI'S ROLE IN THE FAMILY IS TOBI'S GIRL...BOY...PARTNER IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP! GOT IT? **And no, I'm not mad at anyone who asked, I'm just...not in the best mood, I suppose. And kind of tired of this...and I'm not going to repeat this, okay?

I'm slightly disapointed at myself. I'm doing a horrible job of including everyone in Akatsuki. It seems to very effectively centered on Pein, Kai, Itachi, Tobi, and...just read the chapter. By the way, sorry I forgot to mention that random partnering change last time. Except it wasn't really random. It just is. I suck at a lot of things in writing.

Also...even though I seem to be loosing fans if anything, I'd still like to thank you all for your support. Wednesday was really crazy in the most literal meaning that you could possibly make from that. Really. And I think that the overall ending has something to do with this story and/or the people following it.

By the way, sorry it took so long for me to post this. I mean, maybe it's overall in the end about the same amount of time as usual, but it seemed a while for me. I want to say it's been almost a week? That's longer than usual. Sorry. I literally had about three total hours of computer time over yesterday and the day before, and Mom was pretty pinchy on my computer time before then.

**Disclaimer: **The vast majority of characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto. Not all though. You'll know who's mine and who's doomed to official death in the series.

* * *

It was two days later that Akatsuki again gathered at the breakfast table. After all, missions tended took place in villages, and villages were far away. If the mission had, for whatever reason, been to go to the front gate of the nearest village, touch the door, and return, it would still take the better part of a day, and their missions were most certainly a lot more complicated and time-consuming than that. Admittedly, they were but reconnaissance missions, not much more complicated than, "Go to this village; look for bounties, if any look easy enough to get quickly, get them; don't capture any Jinchuuriki _yet_, but feel free to look for them; oh yeah, and don't get killed." 

And, two days later, Pein fully realized that he was right about something: switching Tobi and Kisame's places on the teaming chart was a bad idea. For one thing, Kisame and Zetsu…well, either of them alone would earn a vast majority of odd glances, but a Venus-flytrap-looking-person-_thing_ walking the streets beside a blue-faced-shark-looking-person-_thing_ landed them a picture of the front page of the newspaper. At least they got special discounts on everything, earned about twice as much money as they would have otherwise, and weren't challenged when they bumped into people.

The bigger problem, however, was Itachi and Tobi. Kai had once said that she was proud of Tobi for finding such a successful partner in love; maybe Itachi would be able to help Tobi realize that they were supposed to be heartless, merciless, cruel and cold killers, criminals who were going to take over the world. That Itachi would be a good influence on Tobi and his career in Akatsuki.

Two days after Pein sent everyone out on missions, they sat at the breakfast table again, and Kai leaned over to whisper into Pein's ear, "Maybe Itachi's too soft on Tobi-chan."

Pein had to agree; Itachi _had_ to be really soft at heart to let things happen for Pein to see what he was currently seeing.

It was almost like when Tobi was still adding to the family, because it seemed that he was, it being the case that he was standing in the doorway with Itachi, he and his new partner both seeming content to merely stand in the doorway, observing everyone else exchanging nervous, suspicious, and/or surprised glances, for a very obvious reason.

A raven-haired, dull-eyed, ten-year-old, female reason that stood between Itachi and Tobi, holding one hand from each, looking about the kitchen with suspicion.

Silence remained draped over the threshold, until the girl turned her face upward to Tobi, raising an eyebrow expectantly. Tobi took a moment to notice, returned the stare, and then gasped in realization, "Oh! You're hungry, aren't you?"

The girl nodded curtly, squeezing his hand as he led her to the table and not letting go of Itachi's to form a three-person train that snaked its way around the table to Tobi's seat, glares and gazes following as they went.

Tobi pulled his own chair back and offered it to the child, who sat and let go of his hand to reach for the nearest eating utensil, then proceeded to stand on the chair to reach across the table and try to lift the rather large and heavy plate of pancakes, her knee falling into the boat of maple syrup until Tobi picked her up, sat her down again, and lifted the pancakes for her, placing the plate next to hers. She frowned but went on anyway, sliding the top half of the pancake pile onto her plate, bringing Tobi to a squeal. "No, not that many! You can't eat all of—"

The girl may have been young, but she most certainly could glare, and glare she did—well enough to shut Tobi up as she unceremoniously upturned the syrup boat over her pile to empty all of the sticky sweetness onto her mountain of pancakes.

As the child shoveled pancakes into her mouth rather impolitely but efficiently nonetheless, Pein cleared his throat, and Tobi snapped his back straight, yelping, "Yes, Sir Leader-otousama?"

"Tobi-chan," Pein began. "Care to explain this?"

"H-huh? Oh, w-well," Tobi answered, slouching his shoulders now and holding his hands near his chest, collected in fists except for each index finger, which extended to meet each other under his gaze. "Y-you see, there was a log in the road, and it caught on my foot, a-and I tripped and fell in a pile of mud…"

It occurred to Pein that Tobi's uniform had a long trail of mud going down the front of it. And the imbecile must have thought that was what he was mad at. "No, Tobi. That's not what I'm talking about."

Tobi's head came up, his expression under the mask no doubt pleading, as he whined, "B-but, it was raining out, and she needed somewhere to go, and—"

"Tobi-chan." All heads swiveled to Kai, who had taken charge even over Pein, each and every face bearing an expression of surprise. "This is Akatsuki, not a day-care center. We have no need for a child, nor the means to care for one, and for god's sake, how on earth are you going to take care of a child when you're supposed to be out on dangerous missions?"

"I-I can leave her…with you?" Tobi more so asked than suggested. "Blue-okaasama, you like children, right?"

Kai's expression clouded, but she answered, "That's irrelevant. A little girl would not be of much use here, she would be only a burden, and her parents at home must be worried _sick_ about her."

"W-well, about that…" Tobi went on, leaving a pause for Kai to respond. She didn't, except to raise an eyebrow expectantly, so he continued. "W-we kind of found her on the street, and she was sleeping in an alleyway next to a trashcan—if she has any parents, I don't think they like her very much…"

Kai pursed her lips and closed her eyes, before finally answering, "Yes, well, the decision is not mine to make. Ask your father."

Pein mentally cursed Kai. How could she make _him_ have to deal with all this? He inhaled deeply, eyes closed, wondering what on earth he was going to do. Aware of all eyes on him, save those of that little girl in question, he breathed out slowly, and announced, "The girl…can stay." Ah, Pein was too soft. It was Tobi's fault, though. "As long as Tobi takes care of her with no involuntary assistance." Because he knew nothing really about children, but he didn't doubt that Tobi would need help in one way or another, and it would be rather unwise to force cold-hearted S-ranked criminals to take care of a child.

Tobi jumped up, his arms in the air, and he exclaimed, "Thank you, Leader-otousama!"

Pein looked down and continued eating his own breakfast. "Yes, well, don't thank me when you wind up drowning in your own blood from some trap laid with her as bait." He took another bite.

Tobi froze. "Uh…what?"

It worked, and Pein grinned. "Love is weakness, my son. It can be a strength, but it's usually a weakness, and if you love that child enough to take her in here, she'll one day be the death of you, even if today she's the reason you're still alive."

He was suddenly aware of a sharp piece of metal flying through the air, and he caught it between his first two fingers just in time to stop the kitchen knife from giving him a ninth hole in his nose. Pein waved his hand away, dropping the knife on the table and revealing the mysterious girl holding herself in the position left from her throwing the knife.

That little girl just threw a knife at Pein, and with good accuracy for anyone, much less a ten-year-old girl.

She smiled, maybe not genuinely but definitely not intentionally deceptively. "I assure you that I will _not_ be the death of Otou-chan," she announced, her voice relatively deep, giving her voice an illusion of age.

* * *

**A/n again:** Ummm...sorry I kind of jumped that whole Tobi/Kisame switch thing on you guys. But...I couldn't find a better way to do the thing. Muehe...yeah. 

**Preview: **"Rude awakening" somehow seems like an understatement...(sorry for the short previews, it's mostly something like filler at this moment)

Tobi once gave Pein a book about parenting. And Pein somehow wound up bored enough to read it. It mentioned something about kids getting frightened at night by nightmares and crawling into bed with their parents. Pein could understand that, but this is rediculous!

**Special: Grandchild:** By "Grandchild" I mean this kid who just showed up.  
And yes. She's Mary-Sue. So very really incredibly Mary-Sue you don't even know it yet. I'm kind of ashamed. Really. :shakes head: It's pathetic. I'd say I can't stand her and her Mary-Sue-ness, but she came from my own mind, so she's pretty much my fault, and seeing as I haven't yet totally remade her and her character and all that, I apparently can stand her somewhat. At least this should be entertaining. At least she's _doing_ something in her Sue-ness. As in there's something vaguely resembling plot, if it's all disjointed and stand-alone.  
Maybe she winds up being a little less annoying. She almost gets caught at some point when she sneaks, and...no, never mind. She's Mary Sue from beginning to bitter end. And let's hope that her end is indeed bitter. You know that there's something odd happening when even the author wants the character dead, but they're not.  
Even her name is Mary-Sue. Literally. Her name is Mary Sue. Almost. Sort of. Kind of. I'll explain that more later.  
Which reminds me of how evasive I am about her name in the story.


	4. Skirmish

**A/n: **Okay. So I was just itching to write a fight scene. That's one of very few things that I can immediately list that this story doesn't have. So I wrote one. And...sigh. Child of Itachi/Tobi's is just screaming **_MARY SUUUUUUUUEE!!!!!!!11one!1!!!_**

So, I'm writing the story, a bunch later (you've probably picked up on my system by now) and I wrote this chapter, and this chapter was, like, **seven pages long!** (most of these seem more like three) So I'm going to try and be more regular on my posting so that I can be annoying and repetitive and borrow that little technique where I have you guys wait twice as long and then show you something twice as long (actually, that might be closer to three times as long, seeing as by "three" I mean "two-or-three")  
Except, if I'm going to do that, I'm going to need to stop being a bad girl and get my mom to let me use the computer more so I can post more.  
Which would mean that I wouldn't be able to _write_as fast.  
Which might possibly mean that I'd eventually wind up leaving you guys stuck waiting for me to finish writing a chapter before I can post it.  
If that does happen, I'm sorry.

And yeah, I took entirely too long to post this. Something happened...yeah, did I mention that my mother and I haven't been getting along so great? Yeah...I kinda ran off because I was kinda mad...and yeah, I came back (not that I wanted to) and didn't talk to her at all for a day or two and now we're on okay terms, but I had very little computer time because of that.  
I know you don't really need to hear my life's story, but otherwise I'd be vague and I'm sure someone somewhere sometime would eventually ask me exactly what happened.

Have you ever noticed--Akatsuki seems to live off of pancakes and waffles? I have. Because I wrote it that way. And my dad usually makes a pretty elaborate and original breakfast, you'd think that I'd be able to think of something better for them to eat. Eggs benedict or something.  
Of course, I never said that any of _them_ have the creativity or whatever else to do that.  
Or so says my excuse.  
Oh well. One of the future chapters includes Tobi cooking eggs. Which reminds me that nobody ever seems to make the food, it's just there.  
Maybe Akatsuki has house elves or something.

**Disclaimer:** All presumably adult characters in this story ("presumably adult" as in old-enough-to-drive-except-they-probably-wouldn't-because-they-don't-exactly-have-cars-so-that-kind-of-killed-that-idea-pretty-quickly) belong to Masashi Kishimoto.  
That cute little bundle of :ahem: "joy" with the ifyouthinkaboutitIhopeyourealizeherphysicalcharacteristicsareratheralotlikeItachi'sexceptshe'sagirlandItachi'skindofnot kind of characteristics belongs to me. And yes I'm being evasive about her name. And no that's not because I don't know it. I just revel in making you squirm.

* * *

The next morning, Pein woke up with a headache. Kai had already gone downstairs for breakfast when he awoke, but she seemed to leave the door open. A long time ago, they made a decision, and that was that the door to his room would always remain closed, except when entering or leaving, or in the case of an emergency. She would only leave the door open if there was an attack and she didn't have time to wake him.

Pein leapt up, grabbing the closest thing that could possibly be used as a weapon, which just so happened to be the lamp. He hesitated for the briefest fraction of a second to realize that he was a superb and skilled ninja who was going to defend his home with a _lamp_, before deciding that it proved him a great ninja to be able to use something as improvised as a lamp.

He perked his senses, listening intently for any sound of battle, smelling the air for any trace of spilled blood, but he didn't detect anything; he heard no sound and smelled only waffles.

Waffles?

Pein dismissed the waffles; he could not be distracted. This was not the time to wa…never mind. He had to pay attention to the battle that supposedly was taking place, not puns on the meal that would be served if this was a false alarm or something. But it wasn't a false alarm, because Kai wouldn't leave the door open unless it was real. He was the only one who ran drills; nobody would dare mess with _his_ mind.

He took a battle-ready position, the lamp held threateningly over his head as he kicked the plug out of the outlet.

Pein sensed a stir near the door and tensed imperceptibly. His enemy was near, and he was about to strike, but something came flying at him first, and he waved the lamp into that object's trajectory to deflect it, but not before he recognized it as one of his own kunai knives, and the brief confusion from his own weapon being used against him gave his opponent an opening to come flying at him foot-first.

Grasping his attacker's foot with one hand, Pein dropped the lamp in his other, and used that other hand to spin his surprisingly light foe, but she landed on one hand and used the other to pivot around and swing her legs at him again. Pein backed up, and his assailant's foot connected instead with the bed and not his leg, causing her to lose her balance and fall over with a thud. She quickly leapt up, and the trickle of light coming through the doorway shed just enough illumination to show that his attacker had a young body and long black hair that fell in her face before she threw a punch at Pein.

Pein sidestepped the attack and took her neck in the crook of his elbow, picking her up off the ground. The girl struggled as he tensed his arm, tightening her throat, until the door flew open and a familiar voice exclaimed, "Pein-chan!"

Pein whipped around, the girl's body swinging about with his. "Kai-chan! Don't call me that!"

The girl made a noise somewhere between a gurgle, a growl, and a gasp, and Pein's grip tightened slightly more.

Kai's lips pursed. "Sir, have you forgotten about yesterday?"

Pein's hold loosened very slightly as he thought back on the previous day's events. Which started with breakfast, at which time…Tobi brought that girl home. That girl with a young body and long black hair that fell in her face.

He looked sourly down at his captive, and sure enough, that was the very same girl that Tobi had claimed parental authority over, her face reddening from his clutch, her teeth grinding irritatedly and her dark eyes glaring hatefully up at him with—was that a tint of red? No, that was Pein's imagination. It was early for him and he had a headache and a ten-year-old girl had just tried to assassinate him. Of course it was his imagination.

Pein sighed, oh-so-irritated, and released her. She fell onto her hands and knees, where she took several long and unrushed breaths; she seemed rather wary of letting Pein see any weakness in her. If she hadn't just tried to kill him, and if she'd been old enough to be able to understand more things about their organization, Pein would have to say that she could very easily become a member of Akatsuki. But she most certainly wasn't, and most certainly _had_ just tried to kill Pein. Needless to say, Pein most certainly was not going to give her anything she wanted, much less something that permanently put her in a rather close position to him, even if that was exactly what she _didn't_ want and even if she obviously was close enough to threaten his life anyway.

The girl stood up, threw a glare at Pein, and ran out of the room, down the hall, to the room that had once been Itachi and Kisame's, the room that was now Itachi and Tobi's.

Pein sighed again and started toward the door to go down the stairs to breakfast, passing Kai on the way. "Kai-chan," he began, his voice not much louder than a whisper. "How long do you think it will be until that child is out of our base for good?"

"With all due respect, Pein-sama," Kai responded, no louder than Pein, "you _are_ the one who said she could stay."

As they continued down the hallway, Pein pointed out tartly, "Yes, well, that was _before_ she tried to kill me."

"It's not like she succeeded," Kai hissed. "If anyone was _actually_ going to kill anyone, _you_ would be killing _her_."

"Kai," Pein scolded, his voice quiet but still sharp. "The only reason she failed was because I was alert because the door was open."

Kai shook her head subtly, muttering, "Pein-sama, I'm sure she had one reason or another. I'm sure with a little mediation—"

"Kai-chan," Pein protested, careful to keep his voice from bouncing as he stepped off the last stair, "this is Akatsuki, not Congress. _I_ make the decisions, and I may or may not, but most likely will not, listen to any advice that is given to me. I do not need a mediation to know that I want that girl _gone_."

Kai closed her eyes tolerantly, knowing the layout of the house well enough that she could sit down at her seat quite perfectly without opening them at all.

Pein sat at his own seat, looking about at the table: Hidan and Tobi were nowhere to be seen; Kakuzu was grumbling to himself; Sasori and Deidara seemed almost a little smug as they stared into each other's eyes; Zetsu looked rather distracted by his own thoughts, licking his lips suspiciously every so-often; Kisame seemed determinedly ignorant to any other happenings in the world, shoveling breakfast into his eyes at high speed; Itachi was glancing about anxiously, picking distractedly at his food.

Itachi was distressed? This hadn't happened since Tobi was still recruiting family, and even then, he wasn't quite this obvious about it. Something had definitely happened.

A squeal from upstairs might have been a hint, considering that Itachi perked up at this sound and abruptly stood up and trotted toward that sound. It was Tobi's voice, right? That would explain a lot. It was hardly out of the question that Tobi had encountered a spider and Itachi knew that there was an arachnophobic young man behind that spiraling orange mask. Itachi would be the person to know it, after all, and also apparently the person to care when it became an issue.

Momentarily, Pein heard two sets of relatively soft footsteps descending the stairs, just before Itachi turned the corner, looking rather satisfied and considerably less nervous. Following him was Tobi, who carried his "child" with one arm under her knees and the other behind her back, which she very forcefully kept straight as she glared directly ahead at her destination, focusing the intensity of that glare when it landed on Pein.

Pein returned the glare in double, and Kai flinched, making a strangled hiccuping noise as she did so. It took him almost a full second to realize that she had halted a giggle, and he promptly began cursing himself. He was being so immature, holding such a foolish grudge against such a young child, so much like she did. He was Pein, the feared leader of the notorious Akatsuki, and yet he did exactly what this ten-year-old child did. What was this world coming to?

The very fact that there was a child in the Akatsuki household may have been a hint.

* * *

**A/n again: **Hmmm...what to A/n about...other than my stupid almost-pun? Really, I was just cruising along, and the next thing I know, I've typed, "This was no time to waffle!" I sat a moment in thought before backspacing it a bit.

"This is Akatsuki, not Congress." For some reason, I've had a bit of a fascination with that line. Because it's so blunt. And so...yeah. Pein in a more humorous way.  
Oddly, when I add the concept of humor to Pein I think only of that very first fiction that technically included him. I probably mentioned this already at some point, but in case you've forgotten, it was crack about road trips and Pein was riding in the trunk. You say "Pein is funny," I think, "Pein is riding in the trunk of Kisame and Zetsu's car, which is picking up an irrate Temari and passed-out Kankuro, who are currently hitchhiking by a bog in Maine." Ah, memories.

**Preview: **Screw the formalities. I'm just going to tell you that it wraps this one up nicely and cutely and Mary-Sue-ly.

**Special: Pein Mustang: **(Did I mention that I'm instituting specials?)  
AHA! I figured out who Pein is!  
Pein is...ROY PEINALDS! (roy mustang + pein + malcolm reynolds roy peinalds)  
See? And then Kai is, like...um... Riza Kainara? (riza hawkeye+kai+inara)  
Or maybe he's just Pein Mustang because I guess Malcolm Reynolds would fit somewhere between those two...  
But, seriously, can't you see the resemblance???? Doesn't that just seem SO MUCH like something that would happen between Roy and Riza?

:cut to scene:

(Roy strangling attacker in the dark of his room)  
Riza:flings door open: SIR!  
Roy:turning around: Riza, I _told_ you, just call me Roy here!  
Riza: Um, sir...did you forget about that new recruit?  
Roy: Hm:thinks about it, then looks at his captive:  
Ed:being strangled by Roy:glare intensely while flailing arms about:  
Roy: Oh yeah, I forgot about that new short kid...  
Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING A TINY LITTLE--

:end scene:

Yeah, that's about it.


	5. Appology

**A/n:** Chapter...um...  
(You know, I really should remember, I'm the one writing it...)  
Five, including prologue, right? So, this is chapter four, right?

Well, right now I'm feeling pathetic, but I wasn't a moment ago. No homework. Well, I'm supposed to download some software for Band, but that doesn't seem to work. I've done all the homework that I _can_ do and _do _have.

Finally got around to start reading that Twilight book that everyone's raving about. Not bad. I'm afraid I'll get distracted. If I start rambling about it annoyingly long, warn me, and I'll try to get back on track.

Ahhhh...oh yeah. Did I mention? MARY SUE OC!!!!(SERIOUSLY!!)!!!!! That will be the topic of my "special." And she'll probably be the last one, too, because she's Mary-Sue and will take all of my attention. Because that's what Sues do.  
(That phrasing oddly makes me want to make an icon of "This is your brain.(egg) This is your brain on Mary-Sues.(smash egg with frying pan)")

I'm also afraid that the last few chapters will be depressing. Why? Because I'm getting depressed. Why? No. Date. For. Homecoming. It wouldn't bother me so much if I hadn't gone through that whole deal for every.single.dance.that.I.can.remember.  
I have a strategy to start slow-dancing with myself. Hopefully that'll make it blatently obvious how lonely I am and get a partner out of sympathy.

Wow. I think I'm actually done with the A/n. That was fast...er...than usual...

**Disclaimer:** I'd do something along the lines of writing a skit or something in which Pein or someone explains that I don't own them, but that seems kind of contradictory...  
So. Pein, Konan, Hidan, Kakuzu, Sasori, Deidara, Tobi, Itachi, Zetsu, and Kisame, in no particular order, belong to Masashi Kishimoto and not me, even if I do make some changes (between OOC and changing Konan's name to Kai, I've made a few). However, that cute little bundle of :ahem: "joy" with the dark hair and the normally dull eyes (don't suppose that sounds familar? No? I hope not. I like sounding like I actually use tact.)

* * *

Tobi and Itachi sat at the table, Tobi still cradling that god-damned child like she needed it, trying to coax her into eating something. She may have had the skills of an eighteen-year-old kunoichi, but she seemed to often retain that stubborn behavior that Pein personally associated with an age something like eighteen months old. 

Finally, Tobi sighed and sat her upright on his lap, asking her softly, "Okay Hana-chan, will you tell Tobi-touchan where you went?"

Hana? That was this child's name? Whatever her name was, she pouted and pointed to Pein.

Tobi turned his head in confusion. "You were with Leader-jiisama?"

Pein blinked. Jii…sama…? Of course. If Tobi was technically his son, and this child was technically Tobi's daughter, then this child was technically technically his granddaughter.

'_Shit_,' was the only thing that came to his mind. '_I'm a grandfather._'

Hana or whatever her name was shook her head and held her hands apart, looking as though she was holding something.

"Uhhhh…" Tobi seemed stumped by her sign language. "You were practicing your jutsus with Leader-jiisama?"

Hana shook her head again, trying to square the space between her hands. Itachi blurted, "You were in his room?"

Hana's face snapped to face him, smiling brightly and nodding.

Itachi sighed tiredly. "Hana-san, what were you doing in Leader-otousama's room?"

Hana frowned and blurted, "Why do you always call him 'leader' when you could just as easily call him Pein—that's his real name, after all."

Everyone at the table flinched in one motion, none quite so much as Pein. Itachi was the first to regain his rigidity, answering, "Because he prefers to be referred to as a leader than as a pain."

Pein had to admit—Itachi was a lot better with children than he'd expect; smart enough to explain things without gory details and still leaving room for the details to come later, quick enough to explain it with a touch of humor, and serious enough to keep them quiet when the time came. Hana did indeed become silent at this, settling into another pout.

A few seconds proceeded this way before Tobi cleared his throat and reiterated, "Why were you in Leader-otousama's room?"

Hana frowned at her knees, puckering her lips in thought, opening them only to breathe something that nobody seemed to hear; everyone leaned in toward her, Itachi, Kakuzu, and Sasori being the only exceptions, and Tobi asked, "What's that, Hana-chan?"

"She said she didn't think anyone could sleep in that late," Itachi explained, "and assumed the worst, that he was dead."

Pein blinked again. She had been worried about him?…and then she attacked him? '_Liar_,' Pein assumed.

Kai seemed willing to question this. "Hana-chan, Leader-chan says that you attacked him."

Hana looked away, frowning intensely with a little color showing on her normally pale cheeks. "I didn't know it was him," she mumbled. "It was dark, and I couldn't really see, I thought he was the one who killed him."

Silence stretched for a few moments as this new speculation sunk in. The first thing to break it was Pein chuckling quietly. "I suppose," he contemplated, "that, if your assumption had been correct, that would have been the correct choice." He picked up the newspaper on the paper and opened the front page. "Good job, Hana-chan."

Another silence, this one considerably more final and positive than the last, lasted for about two seconds before Pein heard a _humph_ from Hana's general direction before she added, almost begrudgingly, "By the way, my name is Ren." Pein glanced at her over his paper, seeing that she looked at him with an expression that was basically neutral, but still held a few traces a faint smug smile. "Uchiha Ren."

* * *

**A/n again: **Well. I'm sure (or at least hopeful that) you're all thinking something along the lines of WTF. (coughrememberwhenIwhinedaboutherbeingmarysuecough) And she's today's special topic, so just keep reading to catch that. 

Ummm...yeah. Name confusion. Courtesy of Ren pretending to be mute and Tobi going, "Oh! Look! A flower! And there's a girl standing next to it! We should take the girl home and name her Hana!" (Itachi, Ren: "...") And maybe because of other fanfictions (I'm thinking "A Treasure" and spinoffs/sequels/whatnot by DarkCrimsonFlame3) with kids being picked up and re(-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re(am I missing any?))-naming children who are brought into Akatsuki's care. (and, DCF, should you stumble on this, I'm borrowing the most basic blocks of your story in the most respectful way possible. Because I really did like your stories and wish you would post more.)

Expect the next chapter on Saturday. If it's not up by the time you check your email on Sunday, bother me, lest you never see the next chapter.

**Preview:** Note to self: lock door to room at night, lest personal sleeping space become thoroughly invaded by the younger generation...s.

**Special: Ren:  
**Oh, Ren. Ren, Ren, Ren. I could ramble all day about Ren.  
Ren who is so very incredibly painfully Mary-Sue it hurts even me.  
Ren who, according to what I'm going to tell you at this point, is so Mary-Sue-ish-ly smart that she realized that one of her parent-types was Itachi, and Itachi is an Uchiha and if he's her parent then she MUST be an Uchiha.  
Ren whose name was selected specifically so that she was so Mary-Sue, it's even in her name. To clarify--Mary means, in one interpretation, "love" or "beloved." Sue (is an abbreviation for Susanna which) means "lily" or "rose" or "lotus" (a flower, at any rate). Ren can mean "love" or "lotus." So, even her name is Mary-Sue, in the most literal sense possible. (and if you care, this was all according to Ren whom I'm still not telling you everything about.  
Someone said it would be funny if the girl turned out to be the daughter of Akatsuki's leader (not exact words). You're...not entirely off the trail. And I know that I've probably given it all away by now, but please bear with me and _pretend_ to be surprised when I officially announce it.


	6. Filler

**A/n:** Well, what can I say? Chapter five.

Hey, Homecoming didn't suck so bad! (but it was kinda annoying--I finally found a guy that I'd like to slow-dance with and then they didn't play another slow song. They always play them too much except when I want them to play one.) So, no depression? I hope not. Depression is depressing and that gets really annoying, that.

And uh...last time? When I was talking about that Ren-is-just-stupidly-Mary-Sue-and-thus-realizes-that-Itachi-is-an-Uchiha-and-her-parent-and-that's-why-she-calls-herself-an-Uchiha thing? Yeah, well, uh I was very veryveryverycarefulinmyphrasingandyouguysdidn'trealizethatsoyoukindofassumedthingsthataren'tquitethetruthbutthat'sokaybecauseit_is_whatIwantyoutothinkrightnow.

I think this is the shortest chapter that I've written yet. Word count puts it at two pages. It's but filler. At least it's not extensively long filler (I do have a chapter like that, and it's coming up)

Hm...I think I'm mastering the art of Author's-Notes-That-Aren't-As-Long-As-The-Chapter-Itself!

**Disclaimer: **The only person making money off of any of these characters is Masashi Kishimoto. He's not making any money off of Ren, though. I'd be the one doing that if only I was ambitious enough to try hard enough for that.

* * *

When Pein first awoke the next morning, everything seemed to be the same. A little warmer than the weatherman predicted, it seemed, but more or less the same. It wasn't until he yawned and rolled over the edge of the bed that he noticed anything different. He pulled himself up to become eye-level with the top of the bed, and found his nose only a few inches from another: a face with numerous scars, the most notable of which scratching down its left eye, short black hair messily arranged in a random pattern, eyes closed an in expression that may have been considered blissful if it had not been ruined by a gaping mouth trailing spittle all over Pein's favorite pillow. 

Pein glared at this face, because it was all he could see of his owner, who was not only sleeping in his bed, but god damn it, this guy was _drooling_ on his _pillow_. Whoever dared steal Pein's place in bed would suffer a very painful—…

It occurred to Pein that the face was familiar. He had only seen it in passing, on only a few occasions when he bothered to glance in a particular direction at a particular time of day, but he still eventually realized that Tobi had snuck into bed with him, and Pein grimaced. Apparently, that rumor of children climbing into bed with their parents was true, and did not have an age restriction.

Nor, it seemed to Pein as he stood up, did it have a restriction of numbers. From what he'd heard of parenting, a child may sometimes take a teddy bear with them wherever they slept, but this was rediculous—Tobi seemed to have dragged himself, a stuffed bear, a stuffed cat, a stuffed dog, his little girl—Ren or whatever her name was—and Itachi into Pein's bed, while Kai slept peacefully solitary on her own mattress.

Admittedly, Pein's bed was large enough that it would usually be considered a waste for only one person to sleep in, but this seemed rather ridiculous!

He was going to find some way to make up for this. Pein couldn't say he yet knew how, but he would very much ensure that Tobi learned that he was _not_ going to hold a slumber party in his "father's" bed. Beginning to speculate, Pein realized what may be a good beginning to the lesson.

Pein proceeded to remove the stuffed animals. However, this became something of an issue when he reached for the bear, the one that wound up closest to the bottom and farthest from anyone at all, and yet a response met him; Itachi twitched noticeably and probably consciously, while Ren sat up abruptly. She sent Pein a neutral stare, made cold by instinct, until she realized what he was doing and turned her gaze to a glare, daring Pein to go on taking the bear.

Pein would _not_ be intimidated by a ten-year-old. He would, however, be intimidated by her moving to awaken her…well, awakening Itachi, whatever role he played in her life. Because, honestly, that child was incredibly well-trained for her age, and Itachi was, well, Itachi. Pein's will would not bend for either, but if Ren convinced Itachi to side with her…Pein set the bear back on the bed, and Ren smiled at him as if to say, "I _thought_ you'd understand."

Pein sighed. Again. '_Stupid chilren_,' he cursed mentally as he walked out of the room in resignation, careful to close the door behind him.

* * *

**A/n again: **Bah. Filler. And maybe not as entertaining as it should be. Oh well. Next chapter is...oh, wait. That's filler too. Hm. I think I'll have to increase my posting rate lest I be posting in November--and I won't have time to post during NaNoWriMo. I'll have to think it through and calculate it before that's final.

...never mind. I'm going to do what I can to post the next chapter today. Screw it all, I'm just going to post when I have time.

**Preview:** Pein wouldn't have known that there were homeless cats in the area if Ren hadn't dragged one home (it's filler, and I'll be posting it really soon, so I feel very very little to no regret in saying it without tact)

**Special: Tobi's face:  
**Come on, do you really think Tobi sleeps in his mask? He's not Kakashi! (really, way back in the beginning of the manga, one of the chapter illustrations was Kakashi sleeping with his mask on)  
Although I do personally imagine him wearing that style of mask beneath the orange thing. I just don't think he's the kind of person to sleep in it.  
I also believe that Pein would have been looking at the face of one incredibly battered and scarred and whatever else'd Obito Uchiha (no matter what the evidence, I just can't wrap my head around this whole Madara Uchiha thing, much less willingly accept it). However, Pein would not know him as Obito, because otherwise this whole time the thing would have been written, "Obito stared at him from across the table..." and at some point it would be mentioned that Pein was the only other one who knew he was actually Obito and everyone else called him Tobi because...well, just because.  
However, it doesn't matter if he was Obito or not, because it so happens that the plot isn't relevant to Obito (unless Tobi is Obito, but in that case he won't be mentioned because he'll be Tobi), thus I was vague so people who really think that Tobi is Madara is Tobi is Madara no questions that's it the truth no exceptions end of story period (long title, but I'm sure there are people like that) won't be mad.


	7. Cat AKA Filler 2

**A/n: **Ah, I love cats. Pein doesn't. I do. :singing: Kitty on my foot and I want to touch it! (but Pein wouldn't)

That cat...appears in another fanfiction of mine, but it's not posted that far (which reminds me that I haven't so much as thought of my Beta-reader since...they first agreed to the job...hehe...oops. I think I'll change that ASAP.) And doesn't appear as much throughout the rest of this story as I originally intended. Oh well.

I'm so proud of how short I'm making my A/ns lately.

**Disclaimer:** Akatsuki is forever chained to whatever cruel fate Masashi Kishimoto sends them off with. I'm just adding to the number of small and insignificant variations of that world in which they don't all die horribly and/or painfully in the vain hopes that the number of those worlds will grow enough that I can actually deny their deaths and not be scolded otherwise.  
Ren and the cat, however, are mine. I'd hiss that you can't use them, but...well, one of them is a cat, and the other is Mary-Sue and I don't much like her, so...never mind. Ren and the cat are public property. (and I whine that _Akatsuki_ is lacking in personal rights)

* * *

Pein rubbed his temples exhasperatedly. '_How long has Ren been here?_' he wondered. '_Three days? God, she's been a lot of trouble for only that long. First she tries to kill me, then she prevents me from exacting revenge, and now this…_' Pein sighed. '_I am going to murder Tobi._' 

A noise interrupted his thoughts, sending shudders down his spine as he was painfully reminded for the too-many-eth time of why he was so displeased with the little girl. The cute, innocent noise, that noise that he had fond memories of loving and saving, that guiltless little mew that came from that calico cat that stupid Ren had dragged in.

Not that Pein didn't like cats. Why, there had been rather a few occasions in his childhood of him finding one on the streets and taking it home, hoping his mother would allow him to keep that cute kitten caught out in the rain. It seemed more of an issue with the feelings that cats had toward him. And they weren't really that bad, either, but they always decided that his lap would make a good bed, and then they'd always start kneading him—and everything always ended up buried under cat fur. Including Pein's nose. Oh, the romantic moments of his youngest youth that were ruined horribly because of those god-damned piercings and the god-damned cat hair floating about because his current girlfriend owned a cat.

"Leader-otousama?" Tobi asked anxiously. "Can she keep her?"

Pein sighed again. "Tobi…have I ever mentioned the problems with…pets in general, honestly."

"What's wrong with pets?" Tobi wondered innocently.

"Other than…Tobi," Pein tried again. "Your ability to contribute to Akatsuki was rather limited _before_ you had a daughter. Now, between a little girl and a little cat and a _very_ little skill, you have no time and nothing to make up for it."

"Ren-chan will take care of Kitty," Tobi insisted. "That means that—"

"Fine," Pein sighed. "You can keep the stupid cat, as long as the thing doesn't keep me up at night—and you're cleaning up after it," he added. "If the base is burried under an inch of cat hair, no more pets. Okay?"

Tobi threw his arms in the air in celebration. "Yay! Ren-chan, did you hear that, did you hear that? Leader-otousama—"

Ren, who was sitting in Tobi's seat again and simply going about her own business, eating her meal politely and quickly, sighed and said, "Yes, Otou-chan, I heard him loud and clear. I'm right here, you know."

"Tobi knows!" Tobi exclaimed, ducking down to lift the cat into the air, holding the poor creature with two hands, one behind each front leg. "What will we name him—we could call him Ryou, or Tobi, or Yuki, or John, or Itachi, or Momuro, or Tobi, or Kai, or—"

"Not Kai," Pein interrupted. "That's the other condition." He looked up to give Tobi a half-hearted glare. "We need more creatures in this house named Kai like a hole in the head."

Indeed, any given creature in the house that anyone forgot the name of was automatically refered to as Kai—and for good reason. Three years ago, Kisame gambled (and lost) his fish—named Kai—and some time after that, Pein uncovered the source of a squeaking noise that had kept him awake for weeks, which turned out to be caused by a hamster exercising on its wheel, hidden and well-cared-for under Hidan's bed—named Kai—all of which happened long before Pein ordered Deidara to take care of their bat problem, which seemed to be caused by the blonde keeping one in the attic as a pet—named Kai. Pein should have just had all those pets "dealt with," as in not dependant on Akatsuki for their shelter but usually winding up as a snack for Zetsu, but for whatever reason, he'd allowed each and every one to stay. Maybe because it was entertaining to see nearly half of Akatsuki raise their heads interestedly at the sounding of the syllable "Kai."

"…we could still name him Ryou," Tobi pointed out optimistically, turning his attention back to the cat. "Or we could just call you Neko, or Kazuki, or Natto, or—"

"Otou-chan," Ren interrupted. "Not that those are bad names or anything, but…it's a girl."

"What?"

"It's a girl cat," Ren repeated. "She's a _she_, not a _he_. So think of some _girl_ names."

"Ohhh," Tobi breathed in awe. "Well, then, we could name her…Airi, or Sofy, or Ren, or…Itachi-chan, what was your mother's name?"

Itachi looked up from his plate, pursed his lips and said, "You don't want to name her after my mother."

"Why not?" Tobi wondered. "I kind of like your mother—she brought you into the world, didn't she?"

Itachi let a pause hang in the air before answering, "Yes, she did. But she brought me into this world with this wretched name. And bad names run in the family."

"What, you don't like your name?" Tobi demanded. "But it's such a pretty name—"

"It means," Itachi growled, "that everyone calls me a weasel. Furthermore, I'd consider myself lucky considering the name of my mother."

Tobi waited for an addition, but he received none and instead asked, "Well, what was her name?"

Itachi stared coolly at the orange spiral, and may have retorted if Ren hadn't beat him to it. "I don't see why we have to name her after someone," she stated firmly. "We should give her a name that suits her, not just that of people we like."

Itachi's attention turned with an approving smile toward Ren. "Yes, that is very true. What should we name her, Ren?"

The table had been mostly silent a moment before, but now it may as well have been a grave. Hidan had moments before been complaining about the stickiness of the maple syrup, but now was entirely frozen with his mouth open and his eyes moved to look disbelievingly at Itachi; Kakuzu halted with the food held rudely in his hands halfway to his mouth; Kisame just stared; Zetsu's white half looked frightened, his black half obscured by the green structres that set him so often compared to a Venus Flytrap; Sasori's eyebrows flew upward, and the hand he'd set on Deidara's shoulder fell to the bottom of the seat; Deidara gasped; Kai blinked for a few moments before she took on that look that Pein remembered so well from Tobi's first mention of Akatsuki as a family.

Pein simply stared, with the same thing going through his mind as everyone else at the table, save perhaps Ren and Tobi: ' _Itachi just…smiled…?_' A collective shudder proceeded.

Itachi noticed this movement and sent a cool stare around the table in warning. Deidara, apparently on some edge, stood up abruptly and announced, "Oh, I just realized that I forgot to—um—change my underwear—un—yeah, that's it!" as he walked out of the room briskly.

Sasori looked vaguely panicked when his partner left him so simply, but followed quickly, muttering, "Yeah, same…"

The rest of Akatsuki made some excuse or another to leave the table early, until Pein, Kai, Itachi, Tobi, and Ren were the only ones left at the table, at which point Tobi exclaimed, "Well, we should go take Kitty up to the room so we can name her accurately." He pulled Itachi up by the wrist and called, "Come on, Ren-chan!"

Ren paused for the briefest second, waiting for Itachi to stand so she could follow at the end of the procession leading to the room she shared with her parent-resembling figures.

As she left the room, she paused again to close the door behind her, but as she moved to continue following, she heard Kai's relatively distinct voice mutter something, and curiosity overtook her. Ren already had a few years of ninja training, and so she followed them, making absolutely no noise as she pressed her ear to the door.

"…it'll be the same," Pein answered with a negative tone. "After all, this only supposedly proves that _one_ can stay here. I don't know if a second would work."

"Pein-sama," Kai protested. "They don't know why I really left—it seems wrong to let them think that those lies were really true."

Pein sighed pitifully and responded, "Kai, do you really think that bringing your own child to live in Akatsuki would be—"

"Ren-chan!" Tobi's voice called cheerfully from upstairs. "Come see—Kitty's hacking a hairball, maybe this can help us figure out what to name her!"

Ren heard a tense silence from behind the door and sensed that Pein and Kai had likely heard Tobi's call and feared that they'd been overheard. That being so, Ren stood up as quickly and silently as she could before she bolted upstairs, keeping her footsteps as light as possible.

* * *

A/n again: So. Plot starts to be hinted at. Good for...plot, I guess. 

And I'll never be able to stop bothering Pein for those nose piercings. (By the way, another thing I don't get is this long-haired Pein-ish Deidara-ish kinda looking humanoid type thing that showed up randomly in the manga, so this is all in reference to the first Pein we met.)

**Special: Readers  
**In some ways I miss that whole listing-the-people-who-go-through-and-review-fave-alart-whatever-because-I-have-low-self-esteem-and-automatically-love-anyone-who-even-notices-me-and-I'm-not-exhaggerating-as-much-as-I-should thing. But it's a lot less effort this way. Sorry, folks. I'm just too lazy and I take too much time rambling in A/ns to have enough time to go back and check you guys and all. So I'd like to take the time to thank all you awesome people who read any of my stories. I might actually list all you people at the end.  
But, there's something else that I'd like to ramble about.  
And that would be the moment at which I read the profiles of people who prove they're reading.  
Honestly, I get a bit scared.  
Why? My readers rant and ramble about how much they hate shounen-ai/yaoi and/or Mary-Sues.  
And all I can think is:  
'_...Shit.  
The day of reckoning has come._'  
(even though it apparently hasn't, every time I see a profile like that from a reader...)


	8. Busted

**A/n:** Plot? You'd think so. I think I was introduced to National Novel Writing Month too early in my writing career--my writing takes _so long_...  
No, if nothing else, this _paves the way_ for plot. Next time is pretty for-sure.

Today was pretty good. Thirteen emails. I feel so loved. Haven't had that much attention since this story's prequel.  
Someone said Ren's not that Mary-Sue. Eh...probably not. I guess she's not really that loved. She is, however, obnoxiously perfect, and it just so happens that Akatsuki is smart enough to see that and hate her for it like everyone else hates Mary-Sues (or...yeah, that's my theory.)  
Which might be why those people who hate Mary-Sues seem to like this stuff anyway.

**Disclaimer:** I should make a song...it'd be, like...:tries to sing, emphasis on _tries_: These characters I write with, no they don't belong to me, they belong to that evil mastermind we all know aaand love, that evil cruel Masashi...Kishimoto.  
Except-of-course-Ren-and-the-cat-but-I-really-don't-care-if-you-use-them-because-I-don't-much-like-Ren-and-the-cat's-a-freaking-cat-and-I-didn't-give-it-enough-personaaaaaality-for-anyone-to-notice-you-stole-it!--  
...:not singing anymore: yeah, I'm not doing that again. Marching band music is for marching band, not disclaimers.

* * *

The next day, as Pein sat at the table, he didn't open his newspaper. He was on-edge, more than just a little nervous about the day before. It was hard to tell which was worse—that he had a conversation with Kai about _that_, or that Ren most definitely overheard it. Something about Ren told Pein that she was the one who was most likely to blurt it randomly, and for that reason his gaze focused intensely on the dark-haired little girl. 

Ren was good at ignoring him. She continued eating, looking up only when she went to another item on her plate or picking up her glass to take a sip. Tobi sat at her side, having found the last chair of their set and managed to squeeze it in next to his old spot, and kept looking anxiously at Pein, seeming to wonder why his boss was glaring at his daughter. Er, adoptive daughter.

Unfortunately, all around the table, Pein's uncertainty had become aparent and spread like a plague. The only noise was that of the few who weren't too uneased to eat consuming the food before them. Finally, Tobi cleared his throat uncertainly, drawing all eyes to him as he mumbled, "I-is anyone wondering what we named Sayuri?"

The tension was suspended for a brief moment by confusion, until Ren growled, "Otou-chan, you just said it," which she began to utter at the same moment that Itachi added forgivingly, "He means the cat." The two exchanged a glance, and it seemed the first time they'd done so—Ren recoiled in surprise, if only so slightly.

Pein felt a wave of triumph and stood up. "So, you don't know about Itachi-kun's eyes yet, do you?" He then realized that he had stood up, and thought of how immature that was as he sat down, letting out a small cough to excuse it.

Ren turned to face Pein with a neutral expression. "I know about his eyes," she answered monotonously. "I just hadn't really looked at them yet." She grinned evilly. "And besides, I probably know more secrets in this group than anyone else," she added, leaving a pause for drama. "Great evil genius Pein-sama _the father_."

Pein flinched. Badly. And almost flinched again when he realized what that did to his image. How unleader-like!

Hidan sighed. "Didn't we already know that he's technically the fucking father?"

Tobi squeaked and hissed, "Hidan-obaasan! Please don't use that word in front of Ren-chan!"

"My beloved grandson," Hidan began loudly and sarcastically, "if she hears crap that she 'shouldn't,' don't blame me. _You_'re the dumbass who brought her to the mother-fucking _Akatsuki_ at the age of _nine_."

Ren cleared her throat. "I'm ten," she corrected huffily. "…and a half," she added.

Hidan rolled his eyes as he ammended, "Yeah, whatever the fucking hell you say. You're still with Akatsuki, and you're still really young."

"That doesn't matter," Ren snapped, an obvious move to distract from her loss. She hesitated a moment longer, taking a deep breath, before she turned a cold smile to Pein and declared, "Pein, I would like an explanation of exactly what you and your girlfriend were talking about yesterday."

Pein took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, and was halfway through another when he finally figured exactly how to retort. "Well, _someone_ has to decide what we're going to eat during the week." Stupid excuse, talking about their conversation before breakfast, but an excuse nonetheless.

Ren shook her head. "No, Pein. I mean _after_ breakfast." She gave him a pressuring glare. "I believe there was some mention of a child? Other than myself, of course." Gazes were exchanged about the table.

Unleader-like as it was, Pein turned to Kai for support, locking eyes with her and sending a question through that connection. Kai closed her eyes in thought, bit her lip, and paused before she finally inclined her head sharply in a nod.

Pein took a deep breath, sighed, and began trying to explain. "Well…you see…" It took a deep breath and almost all of his courage for him to spit out, "When a man loves a woman very much…"

Hidan burst into laughter at the simplistic explanation, and Deidara choked on the orange juice he had just sipped. Pein waited for his "daughter" to stop coughing and complaining about the burning in his nose before continuing.

"Yes," he went on. "If you'll recall an incident three years ago…"

"I said that it was because of my family," Kai took up where Pein left off. "And…we kind of lied. I just needed to get out so that you'd never really know about it, because, well, the whole point was for you to not find out…"

There seemed a moment of something like confusion, and it took Pein a moment to realize that the rest of Akatsuki wasn't used to Kai being so talkative. Finally, Kisame spoke up. "So…you mean, you two actually have a child related by blood?"

Pein hesitated for half a second before nodding his answer.

"…that means that you guys…" Tobi wondered with horror.

Pein nodded again, a bit more exasperated this time.

"Ewwww!" Tobi whined. "Tobi's parents had sex—that's so gross!"

Pein closed his eyes patiently and shook his head at his son's naivety. He could hear Deidara and Hidan chorusing laughter, and Sasori explaning patiently, "Of course they had sex, Otouto. I mean, how do you think _you_ were made?"

Tobi paused before asking, "Sasori-oniisan, how was I made?"

"Sex, Otouto. You were made through sex."

"Ewwwww!" Tobi repeated. "That's so—that's so—…" He stood and ran to the bathroom.

A silence was stopped early by Itachi giving a little cough, reminding everyone of the conversation from before.

"So, really, you guys seriously had a fucking child?" Hidan asked.

"For the last time," Pein growled, "yes, we did."

"Then," Deidara started, his expression relatively neutral but not without touches of a smirk, "when will we be meeting the latest addition to our family?"

It took Pein a moment to realize exactly what his daughter meant. "Never," he answered firmly when he figured it out. "Akatsuki is no place to raise a child, and I'm not going to endanger ours by letting it live here."

"Ren seems to be doing fine," Sasori pointed out. "I don't think that Akatsuki is as unhealthy as you seem to think."

Pein was aware of Kai looking at him expectantly and addressing him. "Love…"

"I know," Pein consoled. "But no."

* * *

**A/n again:** What to say...oh! Tobi's little comment! That whole, "Ew, my parents had sex" thing? The sad thing is...that line had inspiration from my brother (who, by the way, is a male senior in high school). I don't even remember how the conversation started. But it somehow turned into my parents mentioning...I don't even remember. It could very easily have been directly them having sex. And my brother was grossed out.  
Which I still think is funny. 

Oh. Oops. I forgot the preview last time...oh well.

**Preview:** As the leader of Akatsuki, you'd think Pein would get his way more often. Maybe he wouldn't mind it so much if he knew it had to be done for the sake of plot...

No special. Because it's short and the only thing I thought I could talk about was Tobi's line, and that didn't seem long enough to constitute a special. But it means I'm rambling less! That's good, right?


	9. More Siblings

**A/n:** So...chapter 8, right?

Ever had one of those days...when you want to curse everything? You run around all day muttering, "Murder," "Fuck," "Burn," "Damn," or some other not-so-very-nice word before "it" under your breath. That, or you replace "it" with anything that you lay eyes on. "Murder that guy who pissed me off...murder the cat...murder the curtains..." Like that, right? Heh. Villians have days like that too.

**Disclaimer:** If any of these people were mine, I'd have them tell you that they aren't mine...except they'd be mine and they'd be bragging about how they're mine, and thus with a much more fortunate fate than what Masashi Kishimoto has planned.  
However, I _could_ make Ren come up and say that I own her and others...except that wouldn't fit the thing very well.

* * *

Pein held his face in his hands and wondered how the fucking hell he got into this situation. He thought he said "No." What part of "no" didn't they understand? He opposed it! He wouldn't allow it! His child wasn't going to be raised in Akatsuki base! 

And yet, here he sat, head in hands, elbows on knees, ass in chair in hallway in orphanage in Amegakure.

'_Stupid Kai_,' he thought bitterly. '_She tricked me into this—"Let's go take a romantic stroll," she says. "Let's go on a date and eat ice cream by that river that goes through Amegakure." Date my ass! Stupid children…stupid Kakuzu, so penny-pinching I couldn't even buy a fucking condom…stupid Tobi, pairing us together like that…stupid crack in the ceiling, letting the rain in and waking me up—I wouldn't even be here if I hadn't woken up! Stupid Itachi, letting Tobi let that Ren girl stay…_'

His thoughts continued to curse anything that he thought ever set anything resembling a foot within ten miles of the rather large plot of land that the Akatsuki household was built on, mostly Kai for bringing him here.

' _…stupid pants_,' he cursed eventually. ' _I hate jeans. And that should have been the hint—we shouldn't have needed to get out of uniform for a romantic stroll._'

Pein was brought out of his hateful thoughts by a nudge in his side. He looked up discontentedly to see Kai grabbing his arm to pull him up. Reluctantly, he stood, knowing that remaining in his seat would only make him look like a horrible person. Well…it would be stubborn, and that would be childish, and anything childish was unleader-like, and even when Kai was the only one to witness it, he still had to maintain the image of the Akatsuki leader.

"Sweetheart," she murmured, her expression sheepish as she led him outside, where there was a small playground and their child was supposedly playing or the like. Pein braced himself. "Do you remember…we were talking about names, right?"

Pein scanned his memory for that incident, and instantly assumed the worst. "Don't tell me you seriously named it Hikari even though it's a boy."

Kai blinked. "No, that's not it."

Pein sighed. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all. "Then what is it?"

"Well…" Kai trailed off, her pace slowing as they approached the door. "Remember…how I said that maybe we should prepare two names of each gender, just in case something happened and we needed both?"

' _…oh shit_,' Pein cursed. ' _Oh fucking hell no. Don't tell me…_' "Which would only be in the case of twins," he enforced, and cursed himself when his voice cracked.

"Um…" Kai stalled, stopped at the door and mostly in the way of Pein, who now had his eyes closed tightly in a prayer that this was just a dream. "Well, I didn't have to use both, but…I probably would have if they came out a little differently…"

A stream of curses flooded Pein's mind. The use of the word "they" proved it, and he truly felt that it was all too soon that he heard the squeak emitted from the door as Kai opened it and called out, "Haruka!"

Pein was a very well-trained shinobi, and he knew how to identify the number of enemies approaching just by the vibrations in the ground from their footsteps. The same went for young orphans. And as a shinobi, he knew that there were quite a few little orphaned children running to Kai when she called for "Haruka."

Kai muttered a curse, and Pein opened his eyes to send her a triumphant glance, even if she was ahead of him and didn't notice. She went on to scan through the small crowd of young girls she had gathered, trying to identify her own daughter. Evidently, she failed, and she called again, this time using the word, "Shikai!"

Pein's hand flew to his forehead when he realized that Kai had actually used that name. He _told_ her to not just flip through the dictionary looking for random words to call her child after. It was just a stupid random _word_ for god's sake! Pein sighed and decided to let it go just as he heard a young voice demand, "And _who_ are _you_?"

Pein looked at the speaker and saw a boy, looking a bit older than most three-year-olds tend to, blue hair much like his mother's falling in one defiant, spiral-patterned eye. Hiding behind him with obvious excitement was a girl about the same age, looking hopefully up at Pein through strands of brown hair much like his own with the same eyes.

"We're your parents," Kai explained after a brief pause. Pein thought he understood—the whole situation seemed more like some scene from the mind of a crazed and perverted girl than reality.

The girl's eyes shone hopefully, but the boy's gaze darkened. "Where have you been for all our lives?"

Pein suddenly wished that Akatsuki wasn't made up entirely of the more villainous characters. If he had a few people with actual morals, maybe he could throw at the kid that it was better than someone else's story there, but instead he only really knew people who were the cause of all the suffering.

Kai answered instead. "Shikai-kun, we've been very busy, and we're sorry that we had to leave you here. But, now, we think that our home is safe for you two, and we're taking you home."

"Do you really think it's that simple?" the boy (Shikai, Pein supposed) demanded. "Do you think that we'll really live with you after you ignored us for the first four years of our—ow!" he cried as the girl behind him yanked his ear and hissed, "You're the one who keeps complaining about this place!"

Pein didn't pay attention to any of it. He didn't want to be here anyway, and Kai could fill out the paperwork well enough without his help. The owner of the orphanage probably thought he was under the influence as he scribbled his signature limply and plodded out the door behind Kai, the girl skipping ahead and the boy quietly holding Kai's hand.

The sun was rather close to the horizon when Pein finally trudged into the house behind the three other members of his family. Kai opened the door (and Pein wondered vaguely why they always left the door unlocked), and the girl charged in. It took her but a second to start thumping loudly up the stairs, and then he recognized the loud squeak that could only be from the opening of Itachi and Tobi's room, then she was rambling loudly enough for Pein to hear, collapsed in a kitchen chair, "Hi!—I'm Haruka, and I guess I don't know my last name because I'm an orphan, but I guess I'm not anymore because my parents just came and picked me up, and my parents took me here, and that's why I'm here, and if you're here too then I guess that means that we're related or something, or maybe we're just roommates, but still, I'm Haruka, and my daddy has piercing in his nose that look like they hurt and I live here now and it's nice to meet you whoever you are, but whoever you are, you really do have cool eyes."

_Thump_. Haruka fell unceremoniously on the floor.

Pein shot a glare at Kai. "I told you so," he mouthed.

* * *

**A/n again:** Haruka and Shikai seem pretty smart for three-year-olds. Why? I'm the youngest of the family. I don't exactly have experience with younger children. And I don't much _like_ younger children.  
So instead, something about being the children of Kai and Pein makes them, like SUPER-BABIES and they're more like...somewhere between four and eight, I think. (the other reason they seem older--I can't judge the age of anything. Especially small children. Have I ever mentioned that I probably should _not_ be a parent? Ever?)

By the way, I've been in a pretty good mood. Why? On deviantART, I have 325 pageviews. TTuTT it's more than I really thought I'd ever get...which might possibly be a bit pathetic on my part, but...it means I'm in a good mood. Don't spoil it, on Pein of death. Er, pain. (oops)  
...and it occurs to me I've never looked at how many times this story got looked at...I don't think I should--if 325 feels like all that much to me, I'm slightly worried by the possibility of a heart attack...

Oh, I mentioned that seven-page chapter, right? Well, that's next chapter. Which actually works out pretty nicely, because I _did_ mean to make you guys wait for _some_ amount of time longer than usual for it, and tomorrow and Saturday look pretty crowded on my calendar. It might technically be filler, but it's humor, and it's LONG.

**Preview:** When two children are introduced into Akatsuki, what do you _think_ is going to happen?

**Special: Names:**  
I have some explaining, don't I?  
A few of you people _have_ read my first Naruto fanfiction (to the point that I've posted), "What I Regret." Yes, the main character is an OC named Haruka. This, however, is an entirely _different_ OC named Haruka. The names are a bit of a coincidence which I will continue to explain.  
Shikai...is not really a name. There's a story or two behind this.  
My brother likes paintball. A lot. Not speedball, but woodsball, the tactical stuff. So he's got this team with all these codenames. His is Farsight.  
A friend of mine brought in a Japanese-English dictionary. We flip through it randomly. I eventually figure, "What the hell, I'll look up Far Sight."  
When I told it to my brother, it was Toi Shikai (there were several words for each, but those were the first ones that came to me).  
Haruka is an actual name for a girl that means things along the lines of "far" and "distant" and that.  
So Haruka Shikai is technically Far Sight, and thus it's pretty safe to say they're a tribute to my brother.  
Because he's a very good brother when he's not trying to kill me.  
Hikari is a girl's name that means "light." Not such a fitting name for the _son_ of the biggest villian.  
And why do so many little orphan girls come running to the name Haruka? Think about it. An orphan is pretty "_far/distant_" from his/her parents. It seems the kind of name that a lot of little orphan girls would be named.


	10. First Day

**A/n:** Haha! Now I can ramble all I want and it won't seem quite so long because the chapter's _always_ longer because it's freaking SEVEN PAGES! So I choose to reminisce (if I spelled it right) now, because I have all the time in the world (er...probably)

I _could_ ramble about my actual life...but I guess you guys don't care about that, do you? Nope, I guess not.  
Too bad.  
I went to the homecoming dances of two schools. The second one was last night (or I would have posted then) and I went with someone as "Just friends". Incidentally, we're not "just friends" anymore :-)  
And I'll leave it at that because you really probably don't care.

Back during the transition--between when I posted the first in the series and this story--I remember someone being dissapointed about no more "interesting pairings" (I think the term was). I tried to console them and make sure that a bit more fluff got in there. That attempt...FAILED. Instead, I have something that I personally consider more plotful (I am the author, and I say it _is_ a word) than the last one. There are fight scenes! And not just in the filler! Wooo!

Originally, I only planned to include the three OCs that you see now. But, I wound up including more in later chapters. :sigh: this story's getting a lot longer than it should.

Have I mentioned that this chapter's filler? Meh. At least it's entertaining...I hope. Seven pages, _something_ funny better happen.

The chapter after this is pretty long, too...six pages, according to word count.  
But I've never mentioned--it's six pages because I like writing in more focused areas, and the indent is down to what it would be on paper. So it won't make this thing have to scroll for seven pages this time, or six pages next time, because here it takes about the whole screen rather than a school essay's width.

It occurs to me that I've failed at accuracy. Because Pein's name doesn't seem to actually be Pein. And apparently that funky eye thing isn't something he was born with...  
**_TOO BAD_**. Pein is a lot easier to say than...er, whatever his real name is (I don't even pay attention to it anymore). And I wrote all this before I had accurate information, even if it was _posted_ afterwards. I didn't know better. And if I can leave Konan's name as Kai, then I can leave other things innaccurate, too.

I meant to have the cat play a larger role. But that seems to have failed.

And look! The pancakes _might_ not just make themselves! except it's eggs today...courtesy of Tobi...  
So Tobi's the only responsible one in the family. Maybe Kai too, but she's not quite so...aggressive? about it.

Eh...I guess that's it. To the Disclaimermobile, Akatsuki!  
(A collective sigh emits from the crowd of humanoids that is Akatsuki)

**Disclaimer:** I'll be simple. Masashi Kishimoto owns Akatsuki, not me.  
However, those small children by the names of Ren, Haruka, and Shikai _are_ mine. Oh, and the cat, Sayuri, but she doesn't show up here.

* * *

For the second time that week, Pein rolled off his bed and onto the floor. It took him a moment to realize that, but when he did, he was hardly pleased. He had a thought laced with vulgar language about what he'd do if Tobi had slipped into his bed again as he pulled himself high enough to see who invaded his sleeping space. 

There, in his bed, were two heads of blue hair and one of auburn, two rather small bodies and one adult. Kai and those two children…whose children were they? The sad thing was that it took Pein a moment to remember that they were his own children. And another to remember each of their names. Haruka and…Shikai. Typical orphan name and stupid dictionary name, courtesy of Kai.

Once more, Pein was faced with the issue of revenge. At least none of today's convicts were going to glare him out of it. Although guilt may be an issue…nah. Pein wasn't going to let two orphans—_ex_-orphans, no less—send him on a guilt trip. Sending them off to that orphanage "for life" wasn't an issue, why would a little punishment for the little kids in Akatsuki…never mind. Just having them live with Akatsuki was more than enough punishment for anyone.

At least Haruka survived her first encounter. Neither Itachi nor Tobi had exactly taken very well to her when she walked in on their…ahem…_bonding_, and it seemed that Itachi was very short to temper when it came to his relationship, considering that he jumped straight into a small dose of Mangekyou Sharingan. Pein couldn't say that he'd yet bonded very well with his daughter, nor really that he planned to, but he was still rather grateful that he held back enough that Haruka was now sleeping in his bed rather than on the mattress on the floor, where she was set come bed-time. Presumably, she awoke in the middle of the night and sought a warm body to be in bed with. Why Kai and Shikai were there, though, he couldn't say he knew. They were sharing a bed in the first place, its not like they weren't warm enough in their own bed.

Sighing and standing, Pein ran a hand through his hair and started toward the bathroom, passing Kai's bed and seeing the likely reason why he had three parasites—er…friends, of varying degrees, in his bed: Kai's bed had been taken over by a sprawled, snoring body topped with a full head of thick, tangled, mangled and messed blonde hair. Noticing several wet spots of drool on the sheets, he felt rather certain that Deidara would chase anyone out of any bed. How Sasori put up with it, Pein didn't think he wanted to know, but his mind leapt to answer the question anyway—'_Well, Deidara is technically a girl, and Sasori is technically the boy, so Sasori's probably on to—_'

Pein ran into the door of the bathroom, and decided that the bump on his head was well worth the distraction from those thoughts. For crying out loud, they were his own childr—no, they weren't, they were totally unrelated to him. But he was Pein and Pein is the leader of Akatsuki and the leader of Akatsuki is _straight_ and doesn't like to think too hard about what Sasori and Deidara do in bed together.

Maybe it was because of all those drooling mouths that Deidara was in Kai's bed. Sasori probably got fed up with…that, and he probably kicked the blonde out.

By the time he finished thinking about this, Pein was as closed to dressed as he was going to get this early in the morning, and he proceeded to descend the stairs and get out his newspaper.

Just as he located an interesting-looking article about new discoveries about a pair of experimental botanists who haven't been seen since an incident a decade or two ago, he heard a few _thump_s from overhead, and then a lot more at increasing speed, until Haruka flung herself off the stairs and into the wall at the bottom of them. Pein sighed and set the newspaper down as she stood up breathlessly and flew into the chair next to him.

And then he cursed himself. There weren't enough chairs.

Sighing, he pulled Haruka from Kai's chair to his lap, where she turned around and craned her neck to ask, "Otou-chan, who else lives here? Yesterday, there was a scary old man with really cool eyes and a scary man with scars on his face—why are we living with scary people? Do we have handsome knights to protect us from the scary people?"

'_Shit_,' Pein cursed. '_She's not going to get along well with everyone else._' "Haruka…chan," he began, pausing after her name. That "chan" bit had an odd taste in his mouth. "When you meet everyone else who lives here…be aware that…not everyone is blessed with beauty," he told her. It was a lot harder trying to talk her into being okay with the other members of Akatsuki than he thought.

"Do you mean that we live with ugly people?" Haruka pouted.

"Well, that's one way to put it," Pein agreed. "Think of them like…the dragons that protect the princess's castle." If she thought knights would protect her from scary people, she probably read too many fairy tales. Hopefully that meant she believed in dragons.

Haruka's eyes brightened. "You mean I'm a princess? Really? Oh, wow! I never thought my father would turn out to be a king!" She giggled.

Pein opened his mouth to correct her—he was _not_ a…well, technically, he was. He was the King of Akatsuki. Yes, he liked the sound of that. He would no longer allow himself to think of himself as the Great Feared Powerful Leader of Akatsuki. He would now think of himself only as the Great Feared Powerful Almighty Notorious KING of Akatsuki! The thought of it made him happy—giddy, even, and he almost giggled, except that would be unleader-like—nay, it would be unking-like.

A small hand pulling at the end of his nose interrupted his cheerful dreams of power, and he made a strangled cry in alarm.

"Otou-chan," Haruka questioned, "why do you have things in your nose? They look like they hurt…"

"Haruka-chan," Pein explained touchily, his voice warped humorously by his nose being closed. "Otou-chan made many mistakes in his youth, and one of them was not using a condom."

Haruka's face lit up at his voice, and then tilted in confusion. "Otou-chan, what's a condom?"

Pein stammered, wondering why "drinking too much" turned into "not using a condom." And he continued to stammer until someone walked into the room.

"Leader-otousama?" Sasori's voice asked, then paused as the puppet took a better look at the scene before him. "Hm…so this is your child? Did she just ask an odd question?"

"What's a condom?" Haruka asked again.

'_Of all the people who could have walked into the room right now_,' Pein wondered, '_why did it have to be the one who would actually explain it?_'

Sasori paused, taking a deep breath, before he explained, "Well, when a man loves a woman very much, he'll take her into bed with him, and he'll—"

"Sasori!" Pein scolded, feeling certain that his face was a lot less pale than it should be.

Sasori shrugged. "Never mind. You'll know more about it when you're older." He proceeded to his own chair and sat down.

Haruka swiveled around again to face Pein. "Otou-chan, I thought you said we had dragons to protect us," she said.

"We do," Pein assured her, silently hoping that Zetsu would somehow forget about breakfast or something.

"Then why do we have a handsome knight, too?" she wondered.

It took Pein a moment to realize that Haruka just said that Sasori was handsome. As in she _liked_ Sasori. Sasori the pervert who just tried to honestly explain what a condom is in full detail. Pein threw a glare to the redheaded puppet.

"What?" Sasori asked innocently. He thought about it for half a second and added, "Leader-otousama, you should know quite well that my heart belongs to Deidara-chan. Not Imouto."

Pein continued to send a suspecting stare at his eldest son until Haruka craned her neck again to ask, "Otou-chan, if he calls you Otou-sama, does that mean that we're related?"

'_Oh yeah_,' Pein thought. "Yes, you are…well, technically," he added. Honestly, if his own actual son turned himself into a puppet, he somehow doubted that he'd be living in the same house. Odd how the fact that he _wasn't_ his son gave the opposite effect. "Haruka-chan, that's Sasori-san," he introduced, figuring that it wouldn't hurt. "Sasori-san…Haruka-chan."

Sasori flopped his hand sideways in a wave, and Haruka sighed distantly. Pein brought his glare back to the puppet.

_Thump_. The noise came from upstairs. _Thump thump thump…thuthump, thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthump—WHAM!_ Shikai slammed into the wall much like Haruka had, laughing maniacally.

"Get back here, you brat!" Deidara roared from somewhere upstairs, more _thump_s following as Shikai bolted into the kitchen and hid behind Sasori, trying to hide a cruel giggle.

Deidara reached the bottom of the stairs and ran into that wall. Pein vaguely wondered if it would be best to remove that piece of wall for the safety of all as his elder daughter stormed into the kitchen wearing only a pair of boxers, head twitching psychotically and fingers swiping about inside both ears. "Otou-sama!" he cried. "Otouto just gave me wet willies—_two_ of them!"

Shikai snickered behind Sasori. "Oh come on!" he chortled. "It was funny—don't tell me it wasn't funny!"

"It _wasn't_ funny!" Deidara screeched, fingers still in ears. "You wouldn't think it was funny if I gave _you_ two wet willies!"

"Yeah it would!" Shikai argued mirthfully.

"Oh really?" Deidara wondered huffily. The next thing anyone knew, Deidara was behind Shikai, hands clapped on his younger sibling's ears. Shikai's expression was horrified at first, then gradually turned to disgust and he started screaming, "Oh my god, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

He slapped his hands over Deidara's and the blonde removed his hands, grinning evilly. "Still think it's funny, brat?"

Shikai ran straight up to Pein and started whining, "Otou-sama, I don't even know who this person is but my ears feel _horrible_! Y-you won't stand up for him—her—_it_ doing that to your only son, will you?"

Sasori laughed, and Shikai threw a glare at him as he explained, "You might be his only _birth_ son, but you're not the only one with that title, Otouto."

It took Shikai a moment to retort, "What does that mean anyway—why do you keep calling me Otouto?"

Pein realized that neither of his children had yet been introduced to the concept of them not being considered his only children and rushed to explain this. "Oh, yes, Haruka, Shikai?" he started, then thought again about how to phrase it all. Finally, he continued, "This is Sasori-kun and Deidara-chan. They are technically your brother and sister."

Shikai stammered, and Haruka swiveled about again to wonder, "Really? Wow—I didn't know we'd have siblings! This is so great!"

"This is so horrible!" Shikai contradicted. "Otou-san, why didn't you tell me this sooner? Why didn't you take us here sooner instead of leaving us in the orphanage if you can support all these other people?"

"Shikai-san," Pein explained, "it's all a very long story, and you wouldn't understand it at this age."

"What wouldn't I understand?" Shikai demanded.

Pein hesitated. "Well…"

Fortunately, it was that moment that Kai chose to walk into the kitchen from the stairs, fully clothed. She seemed to have been eavesdropping, seeing as she could instantly say, "Shikai-kun, it's all very complicated, and we _will_ tell you one day, but right now is not the time to discuss this."

Shikai turned from Pein to glare at her and challenged, "When _is_ the time to—…" His eyes widened, and Pein turned in his chair to see what his child was responding to.

Kisame had just emerged from the stairs, and stopped when he saw Shikai's stare, making an expression of exasperation as he sighed, "Yeah, I know, I'm a total freak with the blue skin and the gill-looking things, but that doesn't mean you have to sta—"

Shikai left Pein to bolt up to Kisame, where he gawked from a closer distance for a few seconds before he breathlessly stated, "You're awesome!"

Pein couldn't help noticing the tight grip on his robes pulling the cloth taught, and looked to see Haruka staring fearfully at Kisame. '_I thought so_,' he thought. "It's okay, Haruka-chan," he consoled, hoping the warmth in his voice didn't sound _too_ fake. "He's one of the dragons I was talking about."

"You're a dragon?" Shikai asked incredulously.

"Um…" Kisame paused, looking at Pein in a quest for an answer.

Shikai didn't let Kisame finish before wrapping his arms around Kisame's knees. "You're my hero!" He loosened his grip to look up at the blue face. "Can you breathe fire?"

"Eh…not really," Kisame admitted, until he realized Pein glaring at him intensely for letting his child down. "Er—I mean, I can, but, I'm not exactly, the best, or anything—and I can't exactly do it in the house—yeah…"

"Wow!" Shikai exclaimed in awe. "Can you teach _me_ how to?"

"What? No, of course n—uh, I mean…" Kisame caught another glare from Pein and changed his speech. "Um…when you're a bit older?"

Shikai pouted. "That's what Otou-san said, too—can't I do _anything_ now?"

"I could teach you the fine shinobi art of Helping Okaa-chan Do The Dishes," Kai offered with a touch of humor in her voice.

Shikai directed his displeasure at her. "That's _boring_," he declared. "I want to learn a _real_ ninja art."

"Shikai-kun," Pein told him seriously, "you're three years old—"

"Four," Shikai corrected.

"Okay, four years old," Pein corrected. '_Why are children so defensive about their age?_' he wondered. "Even if you were just sent to normal ninja school, you wouldn't be learning anything serious for a few years."

"But—"

"No buts," Pein interrupted. "Don't expect too much out of yourself at that age."

Itachi rounded the corner of the stairs, followed closely by Tobi, and seemed to be as aware of the conversation as Kai had been. "Otou-sama, with all due respect," he pointed out as Tobi moved toward the stove, as today was his turn to prepare breakfast, "when I was his age, I could already—"

"Itachi-san, in case you've forgotten," Deidara pointed out, "you're a freak of nature, un—in the best possible way, I mean," he added when Itachi's eyes gleamed red. "You shouldn't compare others to yourself."

"Yes, but he _is_ Otou-sama's son," Itachi explained. "Considering his gene pool, he should have _more_ potential than I had as a child."

"Yeah, but what about the gene pool on Okaa-chan's side?" Deidara asked, receiving a cold and questioning stare from Kai. "I mean, I guess I don't really know anything about her strength, seeing as I've never seen her fight or anything, but how good can she be when she's a girl?"

"Deidara-chan," Sasori said. "You clearly learned nothing from your parents."

"What?" Deidara demanded. "I learned plenty from my parents—that _real_ men aren't afraid to show their feelings for anyone or anything, that you should never hide yourself and your feelings—"

"Deidara," Kisame began, sending a strange expression to the blonde-haired artist, "Um…you kind of _need_ a woman to make a kid…"

"That's nonsense!" Deidara denied, holding his hands out to indicate himself. "The very fact that _I_'m here should prove that!"

A brief moment of silence followed that statement while everyone else processed that statement. Incidentally, it was at this point that Kakuzu and Hidan emerged from behind the wall of the stairwell. The silence broke when Kisame looked at Deidara with some expression halfway between fear and question. "You mean…really?"

"Yeah, really, un!" Deidara answered assertively.

Kisame hesitated before wondering, "Is that _really_ physically possible?"

"Well," Pein began, "that might explain something…"

Sasori slowly turned to Deidara, his eyes seeming slightly widened. "Deidara-chan…there are several things that I would say and do to you, but there are small children in the room."

Deidara grinned stupidly until Kai coldly told him, "Deidara-chan, some day I should show you what we women are capable of…"

"What, se—?"

"Small children!" Tobi interrupted, whipping around with a frying pan full of scrambled eggs in hand, not paying enough attention to _not_ hit Hidan in the back of the head with the scalding-hot metal. "Oops," he muttered nonchalantly, carefully replacing the frying pan before turning back to face the rest of the room.

Everyone by now was used to Hidan's religion and the immortal tendency that came with it, but Haruka gasped at the hiss of burning flesh and covered her mouth as her eyes widened fearfully, and Shikai's eyebrows flew up as his eyes mirrored his sister's.

Haruka screamed. "H-H-H-HE—HE'S D—D-D-D—DEA—"

"TOBI!" Hidan roared, whipping around to face the masked member. "Why the fu—"

Tobi's fist flew into Hidan's face and he repeated, "Small children!"

Hidan growled as Tobi's fist receded. "Tobi, why the _bleep_ did you hit me with a _frying pan_?"

"It was an accident—Tobi swears!" Tobi apologized fearfully.

Haruka turned to look at her father, the little skin left from her widened eyes shown to be pale as a sheet, and he knew she was seeking an explanation. He sighed in response and thought aloud, "I suppose some introductions are in order…"

Naturally, it was at this moment that Zetsu came around the corner of the stairs, white side confirming, "Did someone say someone died?" while his black side muttered something about not eating any _real_ food in ages.

And it was at _that_ moment that Haruka fainted.

* * *

**A/n again:** Poor Haruka. She keeps fainting...of course, she's one of the luckier Harukas that I've made (one lost a leg, one died humiliatingly among so many other things--and that doesn't even include before I settled on that name...)  
Did I ever mention that I recycle OCs? This is the first time that the name's shown up twice in one fandom, though (well, from my stories, anyway). And again, the names are entirely coincidental this time. It's not the same Haruka that I use most everywhere else.

A note about Japanese in the above passage:  
Imouto means younger sister (my brother has warped that term into Emo Toe. It's kind of annoying...)  
Otouto (I mentioned earlier, but just in case) means younger brother.  
Incidentally, Haruka and Shikai are orphans, and having been raised in an orphanage surrounded by other orphans...well, orphans don't usually have younger siblings (I mean, their parents are kinda _dead_), so they're not exactly familiar with the terms (in the rare cases that Shikai considers Haruka a sister (he's all "macho" and doesn't like to sound like he has a sister to be a potential weakness (or something)), he just consders her to be an older sister, much like she considers him to be an older brother. These names they figured because the owner of the orphanage was the youngest in his family. And they're twins, so the time that came between their births has kinda been forgotten, and they're excused to both be the older sibling. Or at least, so _I_ say.)

Ah...what else? Oh yeah. That article that Pein was reading. Haha...that's my theory on Zetsu. In case you're interested:  
My theory is that he was once two guys who worked with plants (botanists). I'm guessing they were mad-scientist kinda guys (or at least one of them was). So they're doing some kind of experiment with a Venus flytrap about...I don't know, the fusing of species or something. They wound up fused with the plant and each other.  
And that's how (I think) we wound up with the Zetsu that we all know and love (and most of us are kind of creeped out by).

**Preview:** How _does_ one explain Akatsuki to a small child, anyway? (bah, short preview for a long chapter. Of course it's filler.)

**Special: Deidara:**  
Oh, Deidara. Foolish little Deidara.  
Honestly, this whole concept was the result of experimental freewriting. Which, believe it or not, is how I figured out ItaTobi (haha...I'm rewriting that story before I'm posting it _anywhere_).  
But I still figured out some kind of an excuse.  
Deidara's birth parents were not both male (probably...) but I guess he wound up with two male foster-parents. It's one of those things that doesn't matter to the plot, so I'll be really lenient on it and give about ten different possible stories.  
One is that his mother died, and his father decided he wasn't straight and went with some guy, but Dei was so young that he never knew his mother and always assumed that both fathers were his birth parents.  
One is that _both_ parents died, and maybe his godfather was gay, whether he had a parter (I don't know how gay marriage laws in Naruto work) or if he found one later doesn't matter, but he would have found another dude before Deidara even really realized that they weren't his real parents.  
And I'm sure you can imagine all the other possibilities, because fangirls are an imaginitive sort of people, and often perverted, but that's pretty much what the story behind Deidara saying that is. Perverted.


	11. Tomatoes: don't ask, just read

**A/n: **I don't really like tomatoes. It just lept to mind. And don't ask about what the hell I mean until you read the chapter. Sure, I could have put this on the end instead, but it's funnier in the beginning because it seems more random. Which, really, it is. Curse you, random mind!

Did I mention NaNoWriMo? And how it means that if I wind up stretching this tale into a trilogy (I have a feeling that would just be stretching it far too thin), it won't be posted until December? Well, yeah. If you're interested in this NaNoWriMo thing, I have it linked on my profile, I think, at the bottom.

Sayuri's role is going to just LEAP on you because I haven't been writing enough about her to imply things properly. So I'll hint at it now, too, and it will probably be obvious.  
This whole sequel thing seems highly relevant to children. I mean, seriously...

Ehhhmmm...sure, that'll be it for now.

**Disclaimer:** I own only Ren, Haruka, Shikai, and Sayuri. Everyone else is the spawn of Masashi Kishimoto.  
Told ya it has too much to do with children. :nods like I'm actually on to something:

* * *

Fortunately, Haruka awoke a few hours later. Pein felt that he made a good decision in taking her to his room and letting only her immediate family into the room. Which, technically, included Sasori, Deidara, Itachi and Tobi. They most certainly weren't helping with anything. 

By the time Haruka came to, Deidara had become bored with all this and was giving Sasori a raised eyebrow as he fingered the zipper at the top of his coat. Sasori kept shaking his head, occasionally muttering, "Now's not the time, Deidara-chan." Tobi had fallen back to sleep and was using Itachi as a pillow while he stared blankly at the wall above Haruka's bed. Kai had just gone downstairs, muttering something about using the time she had being used better. Pein himself sat at the foot of her bed (technically his own) and stared at her, trying to ignore Shikai whining, "She's okay, why do we have to wait here, can I go outside and climb trees, please Otou-san?"

When she finally blinked her eyes open, she smiled at the first person she saw—Pein couldn't immediately tell if that was him or Deidara. "Have you been waiting for me this whole time," she asked, "Sasori-oniisan?"

Pein sent a glare to the red-haired puppet, who asserted, "Look, _I_'m not endorsing this!"

Ending the glower with a feeling of unforgiving, Pein turned back to his daughter to say something, to be interrupted by a knock at the door.

Deidara called in the most anything-but-masculine voice he could muster, "Who is it?"

"It's Kisame," the person on the other side of the door answered, and Pein would indeed agree that it was Kisame. "Listen, could I talk to Itachi?"

Itachi stood and strolled to the door, followed by Tobi, and after a brief exchange of quiet words with Kisame, the two left the room.

Haruka sighed in relaxation and asked innocently, "Otou-san, why do we have scary people like the weird old guy here?"

Pein took a deep breath. This was the exact moment that he had been dreading: the moment of explanation. "Haruka-chan," he began patiently, "there are some things that should be explained." Pein suddenly wished that Kai wasn't doing the dishes. She'd be a lot more useful if only she was up here helping him out rather than doing what anyone else could be doing.

"Otou-sama," Sasori asked, "would it help for me to send Okaa-chan up?"

'_Is he psychic or something?_' Pein wondered. "Yes, Sasori-kun, it would."

The redhead nodded and rose to leave, Deidara prancing after him in a manner that Pein would rather consider to be disturbing, leaving Pein to cook in the silence left behind with Haruka and Shikai.

It took a few moments for Shikai to break the silence. "Are you going to explain all this or not?" he demanded. "You haven't even told us what you're explaining!"

"Shikai-kun, some day," Pein explained slowly, "you'll understand that a lot of things are a lot easier to do when you have someone beside you. Hopefully, I will find some way to raise you to be immune to that dependance."

"What's that supposed to—" Shikai was interrupted by Haruka yelping at the sudden explosion of smoke.

As the smoke cleared, Kai's image became more defined, until she stepped forward and asked glossily, "You called, honey?"

Pein was perfectly adjusted to Kai's tendancy to show off that little smoke-puff thing, and hadn't even blinked at her performance, instead proceeding to answer, "Well, Haruka-chan's awake, and now it seems we have some explaining to do."

Kai raised an eyebrow, conveying that Pein's answer was too vague. Haruka seemed to pick up on this and repeated, "Why do we live with scary people?"

"Well, Haruka-chan," Pein began, silently hoping that Kai would take it from the pause he left.

"The world is not a kind place," Kai picked up. Pein thanked his lucky stars that she had joined Akatsuki. Sure, maybe none of this would have happened if she hadn't, but she sure made everything that _was_ happening considerably more tolerable. "There is hate, and there are wars, and everyone generally hates each other."

Maybe that was a little too blunt…oh well. It wasn't Pein, but Kai, who went on with a cruelly just tone, "This hatred exists because everyone is seperated—none are united. Your father and I are leading a group that is working to unite the people of the world under one flag.

"As it happens," she went on, not allowing either of her children to ask questions, "we have realized that nobody would accept this unity if it was anyone else's flag, if it was proposed by any of the nations, and for that reason we have created this organization to work to lead the people of the world together.

"Nobody accepts us, however," Kai continued. "They frown upon our ideals and tell us that we do not crave unity, but domination. If we wanted true harmony so much, we would have remained in our villages and worked from inside. And they continue to insist that our methods are impure—they will not open their minds to us unless we show that we _are_ a force to be reconed with. For that reason, we have been forced to resort to recruiting those of the greatest strength that we could find, and those of true power tend to be…a little less handsome.

"Which isn't to say that's an absolute rule," she added, turning a smiling gaze to Pein. "Your father, for example, is probably the strongest person I know, but he is no less attractive."

Shikai groaned. "Okaa-san, do you have to be all mushy about it?"

"Son," Pein answered defensively, "you'd have a considerably different opinion in my shoes."

Shikai looked down and commented, "Yeah, I'd be a bit more worried about walking out of them."

"I think that's a great idea," Haruka exclaimed, distracting from Shikai's comment. "Uniting the world would make everyone happy!"

"Hey," Shikai began hopefully, looking up at Pein. "If you're so strong and so great, can't you teach _me_ something good?"

"Shikai-kun, you're too young to start ninja training already," Pein argued.

"No I'm not!" Shikai protested. "Takada-otousama said I could start ninja training next term!—and he rarely let _anyone_ train as ninjas otherwise!"

Pein exchanged a questioning look with Kai, who answered coolly, "He means the man who owned the orphanage."

' _Oh_,' Pein thought. ' _That makes sense._' "And why would this Takada guy think that _you_ are not only one of few under his jurisdiction, but even that you can start being so different at such a young age?"

"Because," Shikai declared, his back straightening determinedly, "I have the motivation. I have to become strong enough to defeat Akatsuki."

Pein blinked. ' _Shit_,' he cursed. "And why do you have to do that?"

"Nii-san, stop acting like you're the only one!" Haruka protested. " _I_'m going to help you, remember?"

'_Double shit._'

"You're still too young, _remember_?" Shikai taunted. "You wouldn't be allowed to start ninja school for _two_ more terms, at the _least_, remember?"

"Well, I'm still going to help you!" Haruka insisted. "I'm going to be there to heal you when you almost get killed, _remember_?"

"I _won't_ almost get killed, remember?" Shikai crowed. "I'll be so strong, not even Akatsuki could so much as put a scratch on me!"

Pein stood. "If you'll excuse us…" He turned and walked toward the door.

"Okaa-chan and Otou-sama need to talk, okay?" Kai cooed, following him.

When Kai closed the door behind her, her expression clouded with worry as Pein launched straight into discussion. "Kai-chan, I remember ordering you to leave a note with them at the orphanage. You didn't say anything obvious like 'Akatsuki has prevented me from taking care of them,' did you?"

Kai shook her head. "I said it was occupational issues. I was afraid that my line of work was dangerous for me and it would be better for them to never know me than to loose me. And that the job didn't even pay very well."

"Okay," Pein continued. "Then why are they hounding for our blood without even knowing it?"

Kai bit her lip. "I can't think of anything. Maybe we just have a bad reputation. I suppose they live in an orphanage, it wouldn't be impossible for their closest friends from before to have been orphaned by our doings."

"Yes, that sounds right," Pein agreed. "But how do we go on from here?"

"I don't know," Kai admitted. "Do you think it would be possible to talk them out of their goals?"

Pein thought about this for a moment. "I'm not sure…that does sound like a good idea, it just doesn't seem possible—it would be hard to talk them out of supporting friends who suffered because of us without blowing any cover we might have…"

"…Maybe we should talk them out of revenge," Kai decided. "As of yet, we probably look something like saints, the whole thing with us 'uniting' the world might make it plausible…"

Pein nodded and opened the door again, trying to ignore that his entrance had obviously ended a small conversation between the two children, but it was hard when Shikai stared at him with suspicion and Haruka's gaze held a hopeful question.

"Haruka-chan, Shikai-kun," Pein addressed. "We have decided that…"

"…We don't think that your motivation is healthy," Kai picked up. Pein hated his dependance on Kai's smooth talking, but at least he had her to do that.

"Why do you say that?" Shikai wondered suspiciously.

"You want to defeat Akatsuki because of what happened to others at the orphanage, right?" Kai asked.

"Of course!" Haruka and Shikai chorused, but only Shikai went on. "Misaki and Tsubasa and a lot of our other friends were orphaned by them, and we're going to avenge their parents!"

"Shikai-kun and Haruka-chan," Kai sighed. "You two are very young still, so maybe you wouldn't understand, but…revenge does nobody good. It might set a goal, but what about when you reach that goal? If you ever _do_ reach that goal, then what? You kill everyone linked to Akatsuki's leader, I assume?"

"Yes," Shikai answered swiftly, but Haruka hesitated and said, "Well, everyone who's…you know, not been very nice…"

Kai nodded. "That might solve your problem, except it won't work."

"Why not?" Shikai demanded, while Haruka just looked on expectantly. "If _all_ of them are killed, then none of them can go against us!"

"Shikai-kun, one thing that you'll learn is that everyone loves someone," Kai explained. "So, in the end, everybody is very closely loved by someone or another. Everybody has someone who, if given the chance and maybe even if they aren't, will avenge them. For example," she went on, "when you kill Akatsuki's leader"—Pein felt something odd stir within him, an uncertainty that he agreed with her words—"then the rest of Akatsuki will most likely try to avenge him by killing you. What do you do then?"

"Then we kill everyone in Akatsuki!" Shikai answered. "It's obvious!"

"But there's more to Akatsuki than the main members," Kai pointed out. Her mouth twitched as though it was going to say something different from what she did as she went on, "They have spies from almost every village, and they would be after you, too. And before you say that you'd just kill them," she added before Shikai could respond, " _they_ will have more loved ones, and whether or not they approved of those people working for Akatsuki, you will still have killed them, and by the time that they've been killed for your own sakes, you've turned half the world against you just because you killed so many people."

Shikai closed his mouth into a serious line and his brow furrowed in thought. Haruka just closed her eyes, her hands together on her lap and her head bowed to face them. Finally, her brother spoke bitterly, "Then how _are_ we supposed to defeat our enemies?"

Kai inhaled deeply. "You don't," she answered simply. "Instead, you should just try to make the best of your situation, and focus on helping your friends to cope without their parents."

"How are we supposed to help them from _here_?" Shikai demanded.

Kai paused before deciding to respond, "Train hard, so that one day you can live on your own and help support them when the time comes."

"That's _boring_!" Shikai protested.

"Life is boring," Kai agreed. "If it isn't, you're trying too hard for something that probably isn't so great anyway."

Shikai pondered this for about half a minute before he finally sighed and admitted, "Okay, you win. I won't hunt down Akatsuki." He looked up with a determined suspicion and added, "But only if you tell me…what's the pattern on your cloak supposed to mean?"

Pein and Kai tensed simultaneously and exchanged a panicked glance. "Well, you see…"

"Tomatoes!" a voice from outside the room exclaimed. It occurred to Pein that neither he nor Kai closed the door to the room as all eyes turned toward the speaker—Tobi, holding the hand of Ren who hugged her cat—Sayuri or something—to her chest by the ribcage, exposing a stomach that seemed rather larger than most cats would have. "The red is tomatoes—we have a side-business for growing tomatoes to raise funds, so this is what we wear when we sell our tomatoes—and the black is just to look cool," he added. "It's a very serious color, so everyone will take us seriously—right?"

"R-right," Kai agreed, seemingly still in shock from Tobi's functioning excuse at the best possible time.

Shikai blinked. "Tomatoes?"

"Yes, Shikai-kun," Pein answered, having regained his outward calm. "Tomatoes."

"Why didn't we see any tomatoes when we were coming in?" Shikai wondered.

"Do you really think you can grow tomatoes in this weather?" Kai answered.

Shikai slowly grinned and nodded. "Okay. You guys win. No more hunting Akatsuki."

Haruka, who had spent the entire conversation in Pein's bed facing away from the door, now craned her neck to look through the doorway, and immediately lept up and rushed over to where Tobi and Ren stood. "Hi! I'm Haruka, and I guess I still don't know my last name because I never heard it from Okaa-chan or Otou-san, and I guess I don't even know if they're married or not but they probably are because I don't think anyone should have a kid if they don't love each other enough to be married, and I guess if you live here too then we must be related or something, so maybe you're my older sister—and, and, that guy you're with, he's pretty cool too, with the neat spiralling orange mask—where do you get those things, anyway?—but he's nice, he's not scary like that really scary old guy with the cool eyes or the freaky blue guy that Shikai-niisan really likes or that weird guy with all the scars on his face or the guy with the—"

_Thump_. Haruka fell unceremoniously on the floor.

Maybe the stress of it all had gotten to her, but it was more likely that her third collapse in two days had more to do with Ren, who was standing behind where Haruka stood a moment before with her hand about where Haruka's neck had been before she fell.

* * *

**A/n again:** Third time in as many chapters. Sucks to be Haruka. :nods to self like it's a new discovery:

Yes.  
Tomatoes.

Misaki and Tsubasa are two more of my reincarnating OCs. I think the names came up earlier too. And it's not unlikely that (should I wind up writing the third part) Tsubasa will make an appearance as an actual character later. Not that Tsubasa, though. Totally different.

**Preview:** You'd think that breakfast without Ren would be _less_ eventful. But on the contrary, this will most certainly be the most eventful day since she came--or even before that.  
(look, it took up what seems to be a full line for once! And yes, the plot's kicking in.)

**Special: Tomatoes:**  
I'm totally overdoing the tomatoes, aren't I? It's getting older than...something really old with a dorky reference that I can't think of. Like Hidan.  
I've always compared Tobi to a pumpkin. Funny how he should be the one to decide on tomatoes.  
Um...yeah. The kiddies seriously bought it. SUCKERS!  
And Haruka totally didn't realize that "that weird guy with all the scars on his face" hasn't appeared since she walked in on him...being weird (come on, he had his mask off--I'm sure I'm not the only one who's perverted enough to have it come to that). He has, but that really cool mask has been hiding it. Is it a good thing that she doesn't realize that was Tobi?  
She's also having issues with everyone in Akatsuki. But, seriously, if you lived in an orphanage, and then your parents showed up and took you home, and then you realized that you were supposed to live with people like Kisame and Zetsu, would you be any more graceful about it? I wouldn't. Not at that age heck no at all.  
And the whole reasoning behind them going after Akatsuki--as a child, I was almost sort of kind of close to my brother (sometimes), at least enough that we went through that Star Wars phase (sigh...the filler wound up totally excluding the crackier humor I had in store), and we were all "OMG JEDI ARE SO PWN-AWESOME," (not in those exact terms) and I think we seriously had collaberative fantasies of the two of us causing the end of the Empire. This seems the kind of thing that small children would do.


	12. Ambush

**A/n:** Chapter...eleven? Wow, that was fast. And it's _still_ not done. Not by...somewhere between two and four chapters. Not sure yet exactly how many, and it'll also depend on epilogueage and other stuff of the like.

Sorry I've been kinda of negligent. I would have posted sooner, except I got to this point and it was kinda hard to see what to write next (you know--I knew what I wanted to write, I was having issues in choreographing everything right), and then Mom decides that she should limit my computer time to about half an hour on weekdays, so I got mad and threw a tantrum--er, I mean...went on strike... . . and now I have computer rights again, so I have the time to do all this.

But, you know? PLOT! at the end. Sayuri starts doing something of importance! at the...no, that's pretty close to the beginning.  
It started as actually going around introducing everyone, because that really should have been done and I really wanted to get that done before the plot so we wouldn't have post-plot semi-filler. But I got impatient. It got all, "What's next?" and "How _would_ he react without being exactly like the other dude?" and "Damn it all, this is taking too long!" So then the wall at the bottom of the stairs gets tackled again (yes, that is intentionally my theme--everyone's running into walls)

**Disclaimer:** "Hidan being convinced to say _bleep_ instead of fuck? Never!" Masashi Kishimoto roared. "How _dare_ she use my characters! And she's not even including Sasuke!"  
Masashi Kishimoto's staff took weeks to reassemble his workplace after _that_ tantrum.  
(I only own Ren and Sayuri and Haruka and Shikai and some other dudes and dudettes that you don't know the name of yet and whose names will probably never be mentioned but they're there and they barely even show up this chapter.)  
(Which means that I don't own Masashi Kishimoto either. Mostly because he's not a fictitious character, so nobody technically owns him. To my knowledge, anyway...)

* * *

Pein reveled in glory at the next breakfast period. After all, Ren, having knocked his daughter unconscious the previous day, was being punished by having to eat breakfast in the solitude of her—well, hers and Itachi's and Tobi's—room. Which meant she wasn't at the breakfast table. And Pein liked her absence. He liked it almost as much as the fact that it freed up a seat and Shikai could now have his own chair rather than sitting in his father's lap. 

The meal began with the long-overdue introductions. Pein carefully waited until everyone was seated before beginning. "A—hem," he began, starting to say "Akatsuki" before realizing the stupidity in the use of _that word_ in front of the children and turning it into something resembling him clearing his throat. All heads turned toward him, a little more critically than he'd like. "…Family," he addressed more comfortably, and the average scrutiny decreased a little. "I think that introductions are far overdue.

"To begin," he went on, "I'd like to mention…that I underestimated the…well, yes, it wound up that we had twins," he recovered very slightly. "Which would be these two—Haruka"—he gestured to his daughter, whose wide-eyes face clushed—"and Shikai." Shikai took the introduction in what he probably immagined to be cool, his eyes too bright to pull off the polite nods he sent around the table.

"I know that some of you already know each other," he continued. "But I feel it would be most effective to have everyone make an introduction anyway. Starting with…" The pause somehow seemed necessary, even though it was obvious. "Hidan-okaachan."

Even before Hidan could open his mouth, Haruka interrupted. "So, if Otou-san called you Okaa-chan, does that mean you're our…um…"

"Yes," Hidan answered huffily, "I'm your fu—" He was interrupted by a pancake hitting him square in the face.

"Small children!" Tobi sirened.

The pancake slid comically down Hidan's face, revealing his expression showing his imaptience. "Okay. Yes, Haruna or whatever the—bleep, your name is, I _am_ your bleeping grandmother."

"But aren't you a boy and not a girl?" Haruka questioned. "How can you be a grand_mother_ if you're not a girl?"

"If you really want to know, ask Tobi!" Hidan answered loudly, standing to lean across the table and point…pointedly at Tobi, who shrugged, expression unreadable through mask, and answered, "Tobi thinks a grandmother would be religious, and Hidan-obaasan is religious, so Hidan-obaasan is Tobi's grandmother…"

"That's what we call you?" Haruka bubbled. "Hidan-obaasan?"

"Yea—"

"Hidan-obaasan, Hidan-obaasan!" Haruka chanted, standing up to run past Pein to embrace Hidan around the waist. "I love you, Hidan-obaasan!"

Hidan spluttered.

"Moving on," Pein continued, bored with Haruka's emotion. "Kakuzu-otousan?"

Kakuzu nodded, adding, "You couldn't pay me to let that _thing_ near me," when he noticed Haruka approach. She looked down dissapointedly and shuffled past him.

"That makes him your grandfather," Pein explained before she could ask. "You'd call him Kakuzu-ojiisan."

"Kakuzu-ojiisan," Shikai parroted, adding, "pass the bleeping maple syrup."

Tobi gasped, but anything he might have said afterward was interrupted by an unfortunately familiar young female voice calling down the stairs, "Otou-chan! Sayuri-chan is acting kinda weird!"

"Ah—what do you mean by weird, Ren-chan?" Tobi responded loudly.

"Well, she seems to be breathing kind of weird," Ren explained from the top of the stairs, "and she won't get off that shirt that you left in the corner, no matter what I do."

"Gee, I don't know anything about pets," Tobi admitted. "I really wouldn't know anything about this…just stay with her and let me know if anything else happens?"

"Okay." A few footsteps announced Ren returning to her parents' room. Pein took a breath to introduce Zetsu, but stopped when Ren's feet pounded rapidly back to the top of the stairs and maybe even a bit further as she declared, "Otou-chan, there's a little wet kitten with Sayuri now, and it's nuzzling into her fur—do you think she's pregnant?"

Tobi stood up abruptly. "A _kitten_? Holy fucking shit!"

"Small children!" Hidan scoffed.

"Oh, sorry, Hidan-obaasan," Tobi appologized hurriedly before bustling up the stairs, shortly followed by Itachi.

"Kitten!" Haruka squealed. "Awww, I wanna see the kitten! Otou-san, can I—may I go upstairs and see the kitten?"

"No!" Shikai protested. "Kittens are all cutesy and fuzzy and _girly_! I'm not going nowhere to see no stinking sissy _kitten_!"

"Please, Otou-san," Haruka whined, "may I _please_ go up and see the kitten?"

"Haruka-chan," Pein answered, "The kitten was only just born. It will be…um…" It occurred to him that he knew nothing about newborn _anything_s.

"If it's anything like you were the moment you were born," Kai picked up for him, "I don't think you'll want to see it."

Shikai burst into laughter. "Yeah, you were one ugly baby, Haruka-chan!"

"No I wasn't!" Haruka denied. "If I can't remember that, you can't either—we _are_ twins, after all!"

Ren came running down the stairs and collided solidly with the wall at the foot of them, thus drawing the attention of everyone at the table. Regaining her posture, she pranced over to Kai and stood on her tiptoes to say, loud enough for at least Pein to hear, "Otou-chan and Otou-san want a little help with Sayuri—they think you'd know a bit more about what to do."

"Of course," Kai answered softly, rising to follow Ren back up the stairs.

Pein, not liking the silence following, rose as well and strolled to the stairs, stripping his cloak off as it became mysteriously heavy as he climbed the stairs, leaving behind a series of _thump_s. He looked back to see his cloak at the bottom of the stairs, having hit the wall, moving under two writhing forms. He sent it a confused look, until a lock of blue hair revealed itself and he realized that the weight had been from his children clinging to his robe, apparently dependant on it for balance considering that they fell down the stairs when he took it off.

Shikai's head emerged from under the jacket to send a reproachful glare at Pein, who returned an exasperated stare before gesturing with his head for Shikai to follow. '_He'll probably come anyway_,' he figured, '_may as well let him be invited._' Shikai rushed to disentangle himself, throwing the rest of the robe onto Haruka, who promptly protested as her brother thudded up the stairs.

Pein turned slowly, giving Haruka time to join, but eventually loosing his patience and continuing at a pace with only the slightest traces of hesitation as he climbed the stairs, Shikai bolting ahead. As her father reached the top, Haruka began taking the steps as fast as her rather small legs could carry her (which wasn't terribly, but Pein was rather impressed when she reached the top only a few paces behind him).

As he reached Itachi and Tobi's room, Pein held the door open, and his children rushed in ahead of him. However, just before he could join them, Ren got in his way again, now staring shiftily around as she tried to walk past Pein and into the hallway. Pein stepped aside, watching her walking hesitantly through the halls, quiet as any trained shinobi. He would have merely continued, except he noticed her trajectory sending her toward his own room, and he refused to let her invade his space so easily.

Just as she set her hand on the doorknob, Pein demanded, "What are you—"

Ren shushed him. "Don't tell me you can't hear the voices."

It took Pein a moment to process this. '_…well, that might explain something_,' he thought. '_I guess we'll just have to send her to the asylum…which would be very long way away from here…this might actually do me some good!_'

By now, Ren was stalking into Pein's room, and Pein followed her, hoping to find more evidence of his granddaughter being mentally unhinged.

In the middle of the room, she halted, and Pein waited in the doorway.

Eventually, she turned, wide-eyed, to face Pein, and she said, in a volume that was relatively loud but quiet by the time it reached Pein's ears, "They're looking for…you."

'_This is getting old_,' Pein decided. "Ren, have you ever heard of schizophrenia?"

"Stay away from the windows and doors," Ren warned. "As long as they're still outside, and you're still inside, you should be safe…"

"Ren," Pein sighed, "I don't suppose you have a good reason for remaining in my room?"

Ren paused, stiff, before relaxing in defeat, nodding, and leaving the room.

Pein moved to close the door, but a familiar voice caught his attention when it loudly whined from somewhere outside, "Leader-otousamaaaa, Tobi got locked out…"

Pein sighed. '_Stupid Tobi…how'd he get over there, anyway? Wasn't he over…? Oh well._' He strolled to the window, opened it, and scolded, "Tobi, how the hell did you get over…there?"

Below his window was _not_ Tobi. Instead, there were four figures, but he didn't realize much about them before he lost consciousness except for generally pale clothing and a band of purple around their waists.

* * *

**A/n again:** Don't blame Pein for being an idiot and not listening to the Mary Sue. I made him do that. It had to be done--for plot's sake! 

Hey, Haruka didn't pass out this time! That's a first...

I swear I'd be more actively posting if I wasn't afraid of running out of chapters to post. I have exactly one more complete chapter written. As soon as I finish the chapter after that, I'm going to post again (should be soon, seeing as I'll be staying up late tonight).

And you know? Schezophrenia is really hard to spell. I had to go to an online dictionary to figure it out. I typed in what I thought it was; it came up with several results. One was what I was looking for. The rest were just totally random. One of them was "Buckets of Rain". I was entertained.

**Preview:** The Akatsuki household doesn't hold well without help from its leader.

**Special: OCs:**  
They're taking over!!!  
Honestly, when I started writing this, I had such a nonexistant idea. All I knew was--Kei and Pein's child (whom I usually refered to, for simplicity, as Kein) would show up. Hilarity was intended to ensue.  
Ren kind of showed up. I think it was first just for increased humor, but look--in the end she's what convinces everyone to have everything else happen.  
Then it's like, "I want a cat. They should totally have a cat. They should totally have _seven_ cats because everything's funnier when you throw in a crazy cat person." So Sayuri comes in, with the other six from my first fanfiction on their way.  
And then I actually figure out my plot, which, on the Brainstorm, was pretty much: "Battle ensues. Ren kills an antagonist. Help from Kein(s)?"  
I spent some amount of time wondering who the hell would attack.  
My train of thought takes too long to explain (I tried). All you really have to know is that I eventually surmised that the death of any cannon character would a) send me into guilt trips b) temp fate to bring the death to someone in Akatsuki and/or c) be the death of a character that I can relate to, thus, in a really pathetic way, be killing some little itty bit of myself. Which is technically a part of guilt trips, but...  
So, I ran through a list of those who are against Akatsuki (which is everyone except...Akatsuki). Otogakure is on that list. I have Otogakure OCs.  
Of course, one of those is probably my favorite OC. Two of them...well, they're just so in love with each other, how could you kill off a couple that crossed all those boundaries to go to a place where lesbian marriage is legal. The other...eh. He's not important and is now slated for death. By Ren. Why? He was a terrible father (well, not being there wasn't his choice so much, and later he gets all friendly, but still...). I never officially named him. He probably will never have a name that actually means something (it's currently a collection of Japanese-sounding syllables that sound...well, Japanese, that I plan to change if I ever need to address him).

So, I'm sure you've figured that the people down there are Otogakure? Yeah, they are. That's the intention. I'm totally reusing OCs--these guys actually had a pretty big role in my first Naruto fanfiction. Honestly, I'm sure that they could technically be wearing anything else, but it just makes more sense for recognition if they've got the whole white-kimono-purple-rope number. Back when they were created...you know, I think I was still watching it just off Cartoon Network, without help from the computer and people in Japan who sub it and all, when I wrote that...no, I was a _little_ into the bootleg. Not much at all, though.


	13. Battle Plan

**A/n:** I totally forgot which chapter this is supposed to be...

And, you know? I absolutely just randomly changed my mind. I'm going to skip one chapter, because it's just...eh. It gets explained later. There's no fight scene. The little details are kind of cute, but...eh. Maybe I'll post it when I've posted everything else, as a deleted scene or something.  
Which means that we spend less time out of basically Pein's point of view. Because the cut chapter is absolutely from Ren's point of view. Except it...no, the cut chapter itself is just Ren's point of view.  
It also means that there will be absolutely no focus on my lesbian OCs. I hope nobody was expecting yuri (except that I'm vaguely tempted to...never mind. Ren would somehow find her revenge on me, even though she doesn't exist. And Pein would be distressed over a notstraight kid...:coughcoughcough: oh well, that most certainly won't happen in this story, will it?)

Dude. Have you ever noticed...Haruka and Shikai are Ren's aunt and uncle? Sortakindatechniclyalmost? Huh? Huh? Yeah, that would make that potential pairing a touch _more_ awkward...

If nobody understands what I'm implying, that's just fine! Good for you, you're not perverts who don't even limit themselves to the opposite gender:hackcoughwheeze:

Absolutely skipping. Makes no sense, I'm sure. I seem best at _just writing_ when I'm half-asleep. Otherwise I get bogged down with the details and will go, "Seriously, what's he going to say?" instead of just having the plot interrupt their conversation and it doesn't matter what he was going to say.

And I made a second decision. No cutting. You're getting that chapter that doesn't really matter. In the odd case that you don't like that idea, please be calmed. I'm officially _done_ with the writing on this story, so I have no reason to not come straight home, do my homework, and go straight to the computer and post the next chapter.

**Disclaimer:** Akatsuki is copyrighted to Masashi Kishimoto. Sucks to be them.  
Ren, Haruka, Shikai, Sayuri, and the Otogakure dude(tte)s, who don't really appear but are definitely in the story, are copyrighted to me. It could very well suck even more to be _them_.

* * *

Ren halted just outside her grandfather's door, having heard him respond to the lure and now being rather worried about him. Anger boiled inside her. '_He never listens, does he? Old people, I swear…_' 

Her surrogate parents would listen, though, and so she ran as she had been taught in the ninja academy back to their room, slamming the door open and exclaiming, "Otou-chan! Otou-sama! Ojii-sama's been kidnapped!"

Ren's grandmother perked up, her head snapping toward Ren and away from Sayuri, who now had two rather large balls of slimy fluff sticking to her sides. Before she could say anything, though, the man in the orange mask laughed. "That's a good one, Ren-chan! You should go into acting!"

"Tobi!" the blue-haired woman snapped, turning attentively back to Ren, her eyes expressing a very serious question. "Ren, why do you say this?"

"He was _just kidnapped!_" Ren responded agitatedly. "I heard them talking about it, and that they were going to lure him to a window or something and then he goes and opens the window! And now he's gone!"

Tobi—yes, that was his name, as Ren occasionally forgot—seemed surprised. "You mean—seriously?"

"Otou-chan, when am I _not_ serious?" Ren demanded. "Are we going to help Ojii-sama or not?"

Ren's other father answered coolly, "We shouldn't."

The blue-haired woman whipped to face him. "_Excuse me?_"

"Finding him would be a tactical error," he answered levelly. "The enemy could easily just be using him as bait. Besides, we've already planned for this situation. He'd _rather_ that you take over than for you to die trying to bring him back."

She glared back defiantly. "He's not dead—I'm not in control yet. As second-in-command, I _do_, however, have the power to say that we _go to find him_. Round up everyone else—_now_. Meet in the kitchen, and we'll discuss everything." Her eyes to Ren as the two black-haired men left the room rapidly. "Ren-san, I'd like to leave you with Haruka-chan and Shikai-kun, but I need you with us. How far did you get into ninja training?"

Ren almost smiled. She had a bit of a pride complex, and she took this moment to push her chest out slightly before answering, "I was going to graduate at the next testing opportunity."

"Then you can make shadow clones?" her grandmother fired.

Ren nodded proudly.

"Make three," the blue-haired woman ordered. "Leave two in here with Haruka and Shikai and the cat—have the other stand guard outside. And you'll come to meet us in the kitchen."

"Okaa-chan?" Haruka squeaked—Ren was proud to know at least _her_ name. "What's happening?"

The woman paused, then leaned in toward her daughter with a warm smile on her face. "Haruka-chan, Okaa-chan has work to do to help get Otou-sama back from the bad people. All you have to do is stay here with Shikai-kun and Sayuri-san, and everything will be all right."

Haruka didn't seem to trust her, but finally she extended her hand, balled into a fist except for the smallest finger. "Pinky promise?"

Shikai scoffed. "Haruka-chan, you _know_ that nobody's going to take you seriously like that."

Her mother blinked, but smiled again and wrapped the smallest of her own fingers around Haruka's. "Pinky promise."

"Say it fully," Haruka insisted, pouting. Shikai rolled his eyes.

Her mother closed her eyes for a moment and answered, eyes still closed, "With this pinky I do promise that everything will be fine so long as you stay here with Shikai-kun and Sayuri-san."

Haruka seemed pleased by this, and her hand separated from her mother's as her blue-haired elder stood and walked out of the room, sending a cool glare to Ren as a reminder that there were things to get done.

Ren nodded and proceeded to use the hand seals necessary to produce three clones, having two remain within the room with Haruka and Shikai and the other following her out, diverging just outside the closed door to stand guard. Her actual self proceeded down the stairs and into the kitchen, where everyone else in the house had already gathered with solemn faces.

The blue-haired woman sent Ren a stare serious enough to be considered a glare and warned, "Ren-chan, if you are lying, right now is the time to say so. If this is a charade, this is your chance to admit to it. If you keep it up, when we find out, this will no longer be a place of residence for you, at the very least."

Ren felt a twinge at anger. '_They _still_ don't believe me…_' "Would I lie to you?"

The new leader's stare became, if possible, more grave. "I most certainly hope not." She turned to the rest of the group, her hands on the table as she stood with shoulders angrily hunched. "We need a battle plan to get Pein-sama back. Has anyone thought of anything yet?"

The blonde…person raised…its abnormal hand high above it ponytailed head. "I have one!"

He was ignored. "Itachi-san?" the woman asked instead, turning her head toward Ren's stolid father, expecting an answer when he hadn't offered one.

Itachi paused before answering, "Who is the attacker?" All eyes turned to the only possible source of information—Ren.

Ren hesitated. She hadn't picked up on who was doing this. "I…I don't know," she admitted. "They mentioned something about…" She tried to recall the conversation that she'd overheard. "…well, the one of them was talking about a snake…"

Her grandmother shifted her gaze sideways, as if exchanging a glance with someone who wasn't there. Her expression turned sour as she turned forward again and diagnosed, "Snakes would be a very Otogakure thing to be talking about…who thinks it was ninjas from Otogakure?"

Nobody responded except to exchange awkward glances. Finally, the white-haired man who couldn't die spoke up. "When the fuck did our opinions matter?" he asked tentatively. "The leader was always right before."

"_The_ leader." Not "Leader-_sama_," not "_Sir_ Leader," but "_the_ leader." As in whoever was leader at the time.

The new leader didn't take that well. "He _is_ right—he _always has been_ right and he _always will be_ right." As she went, a note of hysteria crept into her voice. "At _no_ point in time will we ever be able to say that he _was_ right, because he will always _remain to be_ right. Which also means that everyone else has a tendency to be _wrong_, which means that even _I_ am wrong, because I am not _him_.

"Now," she went on, her voice cracking once before turning back to her normal cool. "We need a plan, or Pein-sama will never be here to keep us in order."

Ren was vaguely aware of a faint buzzing sound. She itched her ears, hoping to get rid of the echo, but it remained, and she tried to block it out by covering her ears.

It seemed to work, and she relaxed somewhat, trying to keep up with the conversation despite such an obvious handicap, and failing. Eventually, however, the conversation seemed to hover, everybody sending suspicious glances about, and Ren sent a curious stare at anyone who might respond somehow.

At once—it was almost creepy, the unity of it—eyes widened for a split second before every other body in the room fell to the floor.

* * *

**A/n again:** You know the second reason I'm posting this first? I mean, sure, it won't be _that_ long, but, I'd like to put off being shot. 

You know, you'd think that having really really really good hearing would be a _dissadvantage_ when fighting Otogakure. Apparently not. My explanation is that it means she gets the little clues like that and thus can prepare herself. (And that whole everybody-just-totally-fainted-or-something-oh-dear-that-can't-be-good thing is related to the whole apparently-those-people-from-Otogakure-can-control-almost-anything-in-your-body-with-sounds-dude-what's-up-with-that thing. Yeah...for plot's sake, okay? (of course, that's probably Kishi's reasoning for killing off the members of Akatsuki. Since I disagree with him yet do the same exact thing, I guess I'm a bad person.)

**Preview:** Skipping straight to the end--why _is_ Ren so Mary-Sue, anyway?

**Special: No material:**  
Yup. I'm out of special ideas. So instead I'll explain my plans for when I'm done posting this story.  
What am I doing after this story? Four words:  
National. Novel. Writing. Month. (if you're interested, I have the link at the bottom-ish of my profile)  
Yeah, if you think about it, _sure_, I could continue writing off of this plotbunny thing, because they define a novel as a piece of fiction, which technically includes fanfiction and my NaNoWriMo last year was a fanfiction. But, if I'm going to do NaNo, I have to have an idea that will last...fifty thousand words. I seriously think that the sequel was kinda stretching it, and that I really seriously honestly would be better off for not-overdoing-it-ness in just leaving it, but trilogies seem more final. However, it would oh-so-very-seriously be stretching it too far if I made a FIFTY THOUSAND WORD third installment.  
I have my idea for NaNo, but I guess I might not have thought it through quite as well as it could have. If I dead-end badly enough with that, and it's early enough that starting a new idea sounds cool, sure, I'll use the third installment instead. But don't hold your breath (yeah, like you'd do that anyway).  
After November, I'll be totally free of NaNoWriMo, and then I'll either wrap up my novel, at least to a point where I can feel reasonably accomplished with it, and if I'm not going to do that, I'll skip straight into the third piece. Which is technically totally unrelated to these last two DRFs, and could very easily be considered just something else altogether, but I have a feeling it might get more popularity this way, and/or it would be more fun to throw Ren in, and that would really work best if it was tied to the story with her introduction.


	14. Discovery

**A/n:** Next chapter is last chapter. Unless you count the epilogue. And the most-certainly-freaking-not-unlikely A/n chapter that hopefully won't follow. But don't hold your breath.

Nigh on the end...and you know? No fight scene. Damn. I kinda wanted some blood. Because I seem to be totally psychotic.  
Yeah, like you didn't already know.

Now, seriously, do any of you think that it would be kinda stretching-it-too-thin to make DRF a trilogy? By the way, if none of you answer to this now, I'll integrate it without warning into the next chapter. Which will be really annoying. If you don't think so already, I will find a way...  
Just think about it:  
"Otou-sama?" Tobi asked. "How did you survive this whole incident?"  
"I don't know," Pein admitted. "But maybe I didn't--maybe the author will kill me off because it won't matter because nobody's giving an opinion on making this story a trilogy and thus she assumed that it would be stretching it too thin and thus nobody wanted a trilogy and nobody would care if she killed me off. In other words, this conversation might not even be posted on the internet for very long before it is replaced with whatever fate she plans for us for the benifit of killing me off just to be a jerk. Because all the best authors seem to be jerks. Like J.K. Rowling. Why the hell _did_ she kill off Sirius, anyway?"  
"Ummm...Otou-sama?" Tobi wondered cautiously. "Are you feeling okay?"  
"Well, I've had this crick in my neck..." Pein felt the back of his neck and realized there was a small metal square lodged in the base of his brain. "...fuck," he muttered.  
Haruka fell unceremonsiously on the floor.

(That was an example. None of this actually happens. Though something vaguely similar may occur if you don't heed this warning and answer in one way or another.)

Yeah, I'm a filthy liar on the whole Yeah-I'ma-post-this-chapter-yesterday-or-the-day-before topic.

**Disclaimer:** As always: I only own Ren, Haruka, Shikai, Sayuri, and those Otogakure fools who dare attempt to kidnap our dear hero Pein-otousama.  
(by the way, they're on strict take-everyone-hostage basis, because they're kinda Orochimaru's flunies and Oro kinda wants _at least_ Itachi's body, probably wouldn't complain about having everyone else's too, but that really doesn't matter because they're currently the antagonists and are thus doomed to failure) (yeah, that other bit should totally have been under A/n rather than disclaimer; too bad, so sad, deal)  
All others are property of Masashi Kishimoto.

* * *

Pein awoke groggily, out of a discomfort that wouldn't let him sleep _right_ rather than something telling him to wake up. And he most certainly _was_ uncomfortable—he couldn't possibly be in his own bed, because when the hell did his bed have him sitting upright on a rock-hard surface? 

It never did, and he most certainly hoped it never would, but as he thought about it he began to wonder if that was really so bad as the alternatives. Memories came back, and he found a deep hatred for himself for having seriously fallen for that.

But that wasn't quite relevant, and he instead took the time to observe his surroundings: he was in a small fissure, the light outside revealing the scenery somewhere over his house behind the silhouette of a pale-clad figure with something odd around his waist. So he was being held captive in a cave in the mountain near his house. At least he wasn't too far from home, and getting back would probably be relatively easy.

As he thought about his situation tactically, he realized that his captors (there was only one here, but he _did_ remember seeing more earlier) had left him untied. '_Idiots_,' he insulted. '_Forgot even the most obvious thing._'

He tried to push himself up—and flinched at the pain that shot up his arm.

Pein clenched his teeth. '_Damn it. They broke my arms—maybe they're not so stupid._'

He tensed one of his legs experimentally, and knew immediately that he wouldn't be able to walk unassisted even if he could get up. He knew no jutsus that would fix any of his limbs, and while he could probably do something about his guard, there might be more just outside, and seeing as he was still alive, they didn't want him dead and would presumably be his only potential source of food.

His only apparent option was to wait and hope that someone would come and save him somehow. Which didn't seem likely to happen _at all_, much less in a short timeframe.

Some people didn't mind having time all alone stuck in the back of a dark cave with arms and legs broken and thus no option but to sit and wait and maybe think or something. Pein was not one of those people. He had grown far too attached to his family to want forced alone-time, he'd developed a subtle fear of bats since the incident with Deidara's Kai, his limbs would take _forever_ to heal, his ass already hurt a bit, he wasn't patient at all, and his thoughts…well, everything else was frustrating enough that his only thoughts were outraged strings of impolite vocabulary.

Oddly, not a full minute could have passed before the shadow at the mouth of the cave tensed, then turned in to the cave, pausing some way in and lighting a candle to reveal to Pein the face of his guard: male, with relatively light brown hair falling out of a bandana-style ninja headband bearing the Otogakure emblem. Things made just a bit more sense as the young man approached Pein with a sheepish grin.

"Hey," he addressed, his voice relatively quiet. "The whole breaking-your-legs-and-shoving-you-in-the-back-of-a-dark-cave thing? That wasn't my idea. None of this was my idea. I honestly wanted to stay very far away from this whole situation, but _no_, for some reason, it seems that Akatsuki is _such_ a priority suddenly—sheesh," he mumbled spitefully, shaking his head. "Anyway, don't blame me, please? And it would be nice if you don't send anyone after me, too. Maybe I can start something for a truce…"

Then he turned and ran out of the cave entrance.

Pein was almost dumbfounded. Almost. '_What a strange person_,' he thought vaguely, then shrugged. '_I suppose there's nothing really wrong with letting him go. Not that I'd be able to do anything anyway_,' he added, frowning down at his broken arms. '_Stupid…_'

The light at the mouth of the cave was interrupted again, but not as fully. The figure blocking it was younger, smaller…and crouched to leap up at something above the entrance before freezing, comprehending, and running into the cave.

It was really really dark in the cave. Pein had no idea who his…savior, he guessed stubbornly, was, except he or she was young, with short dark hair. As the figure approached, though, he could make out a few other features—that they couldn't be much more than ten years old, and that she was probably a girl. Probably. Still too young to be sure, but if this person was going to help Pein, he felt rather certain who it was.

The voice certainly matched. "Ojii-sama," Ren began, "we should go home now."

"Yes, we should," Pein agreed, his voice not as kind as it could have been. "Except that you're _ten years_—"

"Ten and a half," Ren corrected.

"Screw you too!" Pein snapped. "I happen to be disabled beyond walking ability, and you're not exactly strong enough to carry me home."

"I come all this way and all you can do is yell at me?" Ren retorted. "Do you have any idea the trouble I went through—first everyone passes out, then I'm stuck protecting your kids, it's finally safe to get out and I manage to track you down, and all you do is yell at me that I'm useless? Who do you think killed the guard?"

A pause. "The guard left of his own accord."

"_That_ one did," Ren agreed, "but he wasn't alone—look, I got blood all over my favorite jumpsuit!" she whined, gesturing at her favorite garment and the stains on it that Pein could barely see in the dim light. "And now my eyes kinda hurt, and you're just complaining—I swear—!" She shook her head disapprovingly.

"Why did you come up here to get me if you can't bring me down?" Pein demanded.

"_I_ can't get you down, but anyone _else_ could," Ren answered. "I left a trail for them to follow and a note to explain—as soon as anyone '_capable_' is able, someone will be taking that trail, finding us here, and taking us home."

Another pause. "Why didn't you just bring someone capable _with_ you?"

"They all passed out!" Ren answered, sounding like she was placing the blame on someone else. "_I_ don't know why, but they did, and I was kind of hoping that they'd be up by now…"

"…what about my children?" Pein demanded. "Did you just leave them there where several _adults_ were brought under circumstances to pass out for some unknown reason?!" He didn't realize his voice was rising angrily until he stopped talking and heard it echo on the cave walls.

"Calm down, Otou-sama," Ren answered coolly when the echoing stopped, then paused to bring the topic back. "It's not like I had any other choice—it was that or bring them _here_, where you're being held _hostage_ and the guys guarding you are more than ready to fight for the kill."

Pein sighed, unwilling to admit that she had a point, but thankfully not needing to when he realized that it was getting rapidly darker in the cave—something was approaching in a manner that blocked the sun from the mouth of the fissure.

Ren noticed too, and turned to leave the cave and see what was coming. Her voice could be heard to yell, "Blonde-ojisan! Over here!" and her arms waved, sending the shadows around Pein into a frantic chaos.

Soon Pein thought he could make out the cause of the shadow: the familiar shape of Deidara's abstract bird sculpture, its talons gripping the mountainside as a potentially human shape hopped off and staggered into the crevice, stumbling and mumbling something obscene as it came into the darkness. A match was lit, and Pein saw the form more clearly.

It wasn't a human, it was two (technically): Sasori's permanent critical expression was neutralized with worry, his silhouette skewed by his slouch under the weight of a blue-haired woman, eyes glazed semiconsciously and mouth set half-open in concentration.

"Otou-sama," Sasori addressed, limping forward, uninjured but not used to having to hold Kai up. She was nearly draped over his shoulder, her feet dragging on the ground rather than supporting herself.

"Sasori-kun," Pein answered neutrally as the puppet carried Pein's spouse to his crippled mess in the corner. When Sasori reached his father, he lowered Kai to the ground, where she half-sat, half-laid next to Pein, leaning on his shoulder.

"Sweetheart," she breathed unevenly, "should we wait…for debriefing?"

"Yeah," Pein answered quietly, wondering how he was going to get his wounds healed. Did anyone in Akatsuki know anything in the lines of medical technique? The only one he could think of was Zetsu…who only _should_ be counted in a society where the wounded are eaten.

"Otou-sama, we should get going," Sasori pointed out, reaching down to pick Kai from the ground and carrying her back to Deidara's bird. "Come on."

"Hey," Pein retorted, "do you think I'd still be sitting here if I didn't need help?"

Sasori paused, already halfway to the entrance. "Oh…Deidara-chan?"

Deidara had a reasonably distinct silhouette; his ponytail, sticking high in the wind until he entered the shelter of the crevice and approached Pein, stooping to sling his father-figure's arm over his shoulder and carry him out of the cave in that manner.

As Pein was dragged to the mouth of the inset, his eyes swept over Ren's as she stood with a lit match that sent an orange tint in her red eyes—

But her eyes weren't usually red, and Pein automatically stiffened at the unfamiliarity. Deidara paused, asking, "Hm? What's long, Otou-sama?"

Pein's scowl locked with Ren's relatively neutral stare, the hardness of his glare intensifying as he fully realized that Ren was somehow a user of the Sharingan.

* * *

**A/n again:** :stands in plain sight with arms held wide open and eyes clenched shut: Okay. Shoot me. I know you want to. 

**Preview:** Everyone really should be on the same page...

**Special: Uchiha Ren:**  
Yeah, look at this; she's gotten, like, three Specials on her. Because I have to explain every time she does something too-Sue.  
So, remember? Waaaay back when? When Ren had attacked Pein in the morning? There was a tiny little tidbit...seemingly, nobody noticed. Something about a reddish gleam in her eye.  
By the way, I had this other story that she was kind of intended for. I mentioned that story at some point in this story's prequel. The plot(thing) of that story was something along the lines of the child of Itachi and the child of Pein and Kai somehow winding up meeting, even though they live in seperate villages (neither of them really know their parents). Ren was Itachi's child (in case you didn't figure)  
That whole story was pretty "interesting", I think. Ren started using her Sharingan at some sparring match, the teacher caught her, so then they're all sending word for Sasuke to come back because he has some kin to raise, and Sasuke comes back and marries Sakura and has a little boy child with pink hair who will eventually get Sharingan (color clash), and Ren hates them all.  
I'm sure that, at this point, someone's interested in who her mother is? My answer:  
It really doesn't matter.  
The idea was something along the lines of Itachi going out on a mission (I guess Kisame would have been there too) and somehow wound up in a position for everyone to get totally drunk, and we wound up with unprotected sex and nine months later some random lady's giving birth to Ren and then I guess thinks seriously about that night and goes, "Shit, this is Uchiha Itachi's daughter--I'd better deny the whole thing," and dumps Ren on the streets/at an orphanage/somewhere not her house.  
Does this make things more tolerable or do you only want to shoot me more?


	15. Debriefing

**A/n:** The last official chapter :sniff: even though there's still the epilogue, and then almost definitely a pointless-type A/n chapter, and then...the third installment -.-;...I'm a bit more emotional than I really should be. It's still the last _chapter_ chapter...of this installment. Which is all I'll be able to write for a while (you all are aware of my obligation to one NaNoWriMo? I'm sure I've explained it several times already, but just in case--site at bottom of my profile)

Ahhh, the debriefing. What the hell _did_ happen everywhere, anyway? I'm tempted to later add in the chapter(s) I cut--fightscene! What do you say?

Hrmmm...I actually suspect that the epilogue is longer than this chapter (epilogue? yeesh. Mary-Sue equals Ren equals Very Yes.)

I kinda wish that I could do something to make up to you guys that I'll be totally silent for a month. But I can't think of anything. Ummmm...I really can't think of anything. If anyone has any suggestions that can be pulled off before November, I would very much like to hear it. What's in it for you? I'll probably do it.  
Oh, yeah...hey, would you guys be at all entertained if I collected my disclaimers from all the stories I've posted on all three websites? I try to keep them relatively not-so-very-boring, it might be a little less boring if I posted those (furthermore, those would be really simple and thus short to post if I put a little effort in now, so it wouldn't be out of the question for me to post them through November...). And it would be from other sites, so some would be similar, but I'd save the ones here for last because you've already seen them...  
...like a day-by-day calendar of...disclaimers. The thought amuses me...(even if it's only through November)

Thank you everyone who has been bothered to read this story, for I put a lot of stress, late nights of forced typing, thought, and/or effort into this. Thank you also for not shooting me because of Ren, even if it seems to be only through turning a blind eye. Thank you once more for thinking of the story as a trilogy in a positive manner. I'm glad you can make me feel so great when you say that my work deserves a third round. And I hope that these thanks make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Or that you are a ninja with no emotions and don't _want_ to feel warm and fuzzy inside, so it would be a good thing if you didn't.  
(in case anyone is bothered in any way about this, the epilogue will include the list-o-fans for the whole series that I had last installment but not anymore, for old time's sake.)

**Disclaimer:** Mine is not the Akatsuki. Mine is the writting, be grammer of damned, mine is the Ren, the Haruka, the Shikai, the Sayuri. Mine is the deceased and/or flee'd thusly becoming irrelevant somewhat the unstraight beings from the depths of Otogakure. Akatsuki is the Masashi Kishimoto's, with jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Mine is the not icle of the sense.

* * *

As soon as the rescue team returned to the base, Deidara carried Pein into his own bed. Pein had not problems with this, except for the fact that he was stuck half-underneath the covers as he debriefed everyone on the…well, rescue mission, he supposed.

However, he had time to rest first; apparently, one of the first aspects of debriefing would be an account from anyone who stayed behind to explain why everyone else was unconscious. But at least he could sleep, and he could sleep as comfortably as a man with piercings through the bridge of his nose and all four limbs broken could.

Before he even had a chance to truly appreciate the rest, though, cold water splashed on his face, and he started to push himself up abruptly before pain shot up his arms again, and he cursed his kidnappers for being so thorough as he opened his eyes to glare at whoever threw water at him—he changed his mind when the closest person and thus the most likely person to have done it was Kai.

"Otou-sama," Itachi began, the natural edge on his voice blurred to neutrality by a drowsy slur. "We are all conscious enough to handle the debriefing."

Not that anybody looked terribly conscious: Tobi was leaning on Itachi's shoulder; Kakuzu held a mug with "#1 Grandfather" painted sloppily on it, the smell wafting over signaling it to be full of coffee; Zetsu's white half was trying to awaken his darker side; Hidan yawned widely and jabbed a fork in his ear, before a grin spread across his face and he straightened, looking satisfied at his wakefulness; Kisame, for whatever reason, had brought his fish into the room and held it such that, as Pein watched, he fell asleep and his face landed in the fishbowl. He didn't straighten, but from somewhere along his face came streams of bubbles that were probably proportional to that of the fish.

But, evidently, everyone was capable of hearing him (except maybe Hidan), so he might as well get the debriefing over with.

"Ojii-sama," Ren began from the corner, "should I start with an account of what happened back here?"

Pein hadn't noticed her a moment ago and now turned to face her; she sat on Kai's bed with Haruka and Shikai. He wasn't sure he wanted his own children listening to this, but he supposed he didn't have much say in the matter. Ignoring the burning feeling toward Ren for having seemed to read his mind, he answered, "Yes, Ren-chan. Please continue."

Ren straightened proudly as all open eyes turned to her and she began, "Well, as soon as you were out the window, I went and told Obaa-chan, and Otou-san didn't believe me but I was right anyway, and we all gathered in the kitchen except Haruka-chan and Shikai-kun who stayed in Otou-san's room with Sayuri-san. We were getting a plan together, but I heard a buzzing noise, and then I closed my ears so I don't know what else anyone said, but then everyone fainted.

"So, I was the only person who was conscious and had a clue and all that, right?" she went on. "But I still kept a cool head—anyone else would have totally—ow!" she exclaimed when Shikai jabbed her in the rib with his elbow and sent to her a glare. "Fine, fine…As the only knowledgeable person available, I made the right decision to—I'm getting there!—make clones and bring everyone to this room before I personally came back to Otou-san's room to check on Haruka-chan and Shikai-kun.

"When I entered," she continued, her voice somewhat defensive, "they were fine, uninterrupted, and Sayuri-san had most of her kittens. After I confirmed this, I went out to track down your captors, Ojii-sama, leaving behind me a note and a trail of silverware." She hesitated before adding, "I am uncertain as to the specific events after my departure. And I am willing to take an expedition to recollect the silverware as well as wash it under the condition that I get an allowance."

Kakuzu choked on his coffee. Hidan slapped him on the back, and he started coughing.

Pein ignored this scene. "Did something happen after you left?"

Ren fidgeted. "Yes, but I am not aware of the details."

Shikai raised his hand. "Otou-sama, can I tell the story?" He didn't wait for an answer before he cleared his throat. "So, after the _real_ Ren-chan left, there was this tap on the door, right? So I open the door just a crack, and Ren's standing there, saying that she's already back or something, but I didn't believe her at all, I mean, it was totally obvi—"

"You didn't know the difference!" Haruka argued. "You let her in—and then you let the other one in too!"

Pein raised his eyebrow. "You let two Rens in?"

"No, but there was another imposter," Shikai explained. "She looked just like Okaa-chan. And…okay, yeah, I kind of fell for it." His shoulder sagged. "But I didn't know any better! And I made up for it! Because, Okaa-chan and Ren came in, and then they started talking—"

"I figured it out," Haruka took up the story, "when they saw Sayuri-san. Ren said something about naming one of the kittens Akio, because something about persevering, but Ren-chan would never name anything after anyone just because it's cool or something like that, so I told Shikai-kun—"

"And it was like—" Shikai took over, standing up and holding his hands in fists facing each other, having them maneuver around each other like they were battling while making noises with his mouth like, "Chink!" "P-chew!" "Plrrrrrr!" and "Argh!" As certain as Pein was that Shikai knew what he was talking—er, "talking," about, Pein knew that _he_ didn't know what was being "said," but he thought he had an idea.

"You mean you fought the imposters?" Pein ensured.

Shikai nodded enthusiastically. "I beat both of them all by mys—"

"_I_ found Otou-sama's kunai knives!" Haruka protested. "If I hadn't done that, you'd be fighting with your bare fists and you would have _los_—"

"I could have!"

"Haruka-chan, Shikai-kun," Kai interrupted, smiling warmly before going to embrace them both. "I'm sure you two both played important roles in beating the bad guys. I'm very proud of you—and I'm sure your father is, too." She shot an accusing glance at Pein, who thought he heard a trace of a giggle from Tobi and sent a glare at him before turning back to his blood family.

"Yes," Pein answered awkwardly, pausing before adding, "…kids. I am very proud of you for fighting them off by yourselves."

Kai's gaze approved reflected her approval. "Yes. There will never be a day when we deny you being a part of our family."

Hidan scoffed. "Man, the little kids fought off ninjas from fucking Otogakure while all the _experienced_, _capable_, and—for crying out loud, almost half of us are fucking immortal or something! Who the hell makes things happen so that the little fucking _brats_ win?"

It took a moment for even Sasori to figure, "Well, I guess that's just how our family goes."

"Yeah?" Hidan challenged. "Well, if _that_'s how our family works, then our family is really—"

The cat had apparently wound up in the same room, and now was making a strangled cry that, combined with Hidan's pained scream, _almost_ drowned out Tobi sirening, "Small children!"

* * *

**A/n:** Dude. Have you ever had a not-declawed cat shoved in your face? They get violent. It hurts. Tobi apparently had access to Sayuri, whom I imagine would be even worse considering the whole just-had-kittens-and-now-seriously-really-overprotective-and-thus-quick-to-violence-and-worse-violence-at-that.

Think about the final line in the first installment. Guess what Hidan was about to say. Yeah, like you seriously needed to think about it.

A little free-written thingermathing not unrelated to the third installment:

* * *

An ANBU team is a team of great power, of great strength, of great capability. The individuals of the team have a great amount of power and ability, of knowledge and wisdom. Such great and vast are the mere numbers of their skills, much less the talent behind these skills, that not a one should go to waste on such a menial task as delivering letters. Otogakure or not, there were battles to be fought, and none of these would be assisted by the simply handing a piece of paper with a lot of fancy words telling something undoubtedly simple to the boy who decided to hate those who meant to give him the letter. And it was but a few years later when the very same ANBU team filed another complaint toward the Hokage and her decisions that the ANBU were a postal system. It seemed only Tsunade would be capable of finding so many letters directed to the enemies of Konohagakure...

* * *


	16. Epilogue

**A/n:** And they all lived happily ever...well, no, happily-ever-after status will not be attained for some time.  
As with the previous epilogue, time has passed. Except, last time, it was, like, a month and a half, but this time it's another three years. And there'll be only a few days in story-timeline between the end of this and the beginning of the third installment, rather than three years.

Now, before I begin making idle threats--SOMEONE MAKE A SUGGESTION! NaNoWriMo is seriously going to take THE WHOLE OF NOVEMBER! As in I can't post anything more than MAYBE disclaimers! And my conscious won't let me really settle until I know that you guys won't be dissapointed that I'm not posting.  
I'm considering writing and posting the prologue of the next one, but that would get me started and thus thinking about it and thus NaNoWriMo would be really hard because I'm thinking about DRF when I want to be thinking about this other thing, and thus I'll probably fail NaNo and/or school. In other words, there's a reasonable chance that everyone will leap to tell me that I should write the prologue and I just totally doomed myself and shouldn't have said anything.

Argh...must...refrain...from...whining...about...Ren...being so...bleeding...Mary...Sue!!! DX(

**To the Fans:** Finding all the names may take a while... In no particular order, with a high chance of _several_ repeats, spelling errors, and/or other human mistakes:  
xXMonster ManiacXx, Lime Green Mondays, Lava Puppy, midday, Opera-Gypsy, IchigoCullen, Me And My God Complex, Kyoky13, Kimberly-SA, Primeval Eidolon Star, FaintMirage, Kawaii Chibi Shun, animelover123456, Icetor01, For Whom, Jager Nod, kittypurr714, Wyvren Wing, uchiha fan gurl, yuki takahashi, Thintellumaien, mooneasterbunny, Careless Whisperer, Errol the flying evil thing, Dukesamcules, cold hearted girl, Daemon-In-White, Insane lady of doom, Werewulf girl, LUIGAA, Shi.no.Tenshi.desu, darkmoonphase, Martial artist-Mariko, Lady-Lillie-chan, A Scythe-Wielding Horror, Okami-No-Rina, alchemist of the night, Andersonfanandadmirer, closedofHeart, doryishness, Eclipse Rose, Living On Lies, Masshiro-Inu, ninbunny alchemist, puppetfan, Purplewolfstar35, rollingfire, SaiW.D.leader, Shashuko the Paisley Maiden, Skullblade, Lava Puppy, The All Mighty Black Death, addictedtoinuyasha, daREALshikamaru, CriminallyInsaneForCHEESE, Deceived.Soul13, Antifishestablishmentarianist, aznpower, Google Pixie, Okami'sTot, animelover123456, Jadestone Aura, Lady Lilliana, narukirb, 064721616, Black-Rogue-Fairy, cardiac.arrest, Dirty Reid, HikariNira, Ih8Bart, Ikatsui Karite no Makai, KugaSasu443, kunahanipikachu, Lady of the Air, Opera-Gypsy, Ruby Jewelz, slimmmseike2, sorikarona, The Wandering Kunoichi, xX-Puu-Xx, fanXforever, amberuni151, IchigoCullen, Vincentre, OmniPhantom, Black Kitsune453, candyazngirl, chocoboluver829, Fairykins, Icetor01, leneypoo, lizuchiha, neverlife, Shyki, supX, uchiha fan gurl, YYonder.  
Uwaaah...you people are multiplying! I swear it took me about half an hour to go through my emails and get all that!  
Some of these people faved/alerted me in general, as in possibly for something else of mine. Also, I was really just running through emails, so some of you might not even care if I deleted this story tomorrow (I won't). Oh well--you like my other works and/or me in general, so that's definitely worth saying anyway.  
I'm going to put a To the Fans at the top of my next story and say a few things about people who stood out in my memory. Because some of you guys were seriously awesome (I mean, all of you are awesome. I just mean some of you are especially awesome, at least toward me.)

**Disclaimer:** Should I drop the disclaimer when I start the next installment? You know--just put it on the first chapter and be lazy by not saying anything after that. Or are my disclaimers really half as interesting as I usually try to make them?  
Anyway. In no particular order, Pein/Nagato-dude, Konan/Kai-lady, Itachi, Tobi/Obito/Madara-presumably-male-person-thing, Hidan, Kakuzu, Sasori, Deidara, Kisame, Zetsu, and the other living Uchiha-dude whom I meant to imply at the end, all belong to Masashi Kishimoto. I'm just borrowing them, occasionally playing with names and sexualities and, um...condom useage...  
Haruka, Shikai, (Airi, Kanon, Kazuki, the other dude from Otogakure who is still unnamed and who kinda died,) Ren, and Sayuri are mine, even though I don't think all of them appear in this chepilogue.

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A few years passed. A few things happened between then:

Haruka and Shikai were finally properly introduced to the members of Akatsuki. Haruka had a consistent tendency to prefer "playing" with Sasori and Deidara than anyone else, occasionally including Tobi and Ren. Her first few experiences taught her valuable lessons about the dangers of Itachi. Shikai spent most of his time learning something from someone, often Itachi, and became rather close with Kakuzu, Hidan, and Kisame as well.

Deidara and Sasori held a constant expression of exasperation; the first few times Haruka somehow talked her father into blackmailing them into dresses for "tea parties" weren't so bad, but it didn't take long before even Sasori tired of it. Pein, on the other hand, insisted that both of them could use the practice in patience, and they were slowly getting used to it, but neither of them seemed very pleased at the concept of tea sets full of tap water on a table surrounded by chairs occupied by stuffed animals.

About a year after Shikai first asked about Kisame being a dragon, Pein discovered Kisame in the back yard with Itachi, who evidently was trying, without success, to teach Kisame some kind of fireball technique. It wasn't until half a year after that that Itachi proposed fire techniques to Shikai, who declined, still believing Kisame to be the fire expert. Itachi showed him a technique anyway, and Shikai followed Itachi obediently almost everywhere ever since. Ren sent him glares whenever he followed her father into their room.

Between all these events, however, neither of the twins ever realized that they were living with Akatsuki; neither of them mentioned, either, their previous arrangements to defeat Akatsuki. Pein asked Zetsu what time tomatoes came in season, but they didn't know. Nonetheless, a bit of research showed him how to get it done, and the entire family had a field day…well, making a field. For tomatoes. About half of the crop was lost to Tobi throwing them at Hidan every time he was about to curse, every lethal-or-would-be-if-it-wasn't-a-tomato-hitting-Hidan hit timed perfectly with a scream of, "Small children!" This became a tradition; Kakuzu complained about the costs, but in the end, it meant a little less money for food and a great deal more when he sold them to restaurants.

About three years after Ren's first appearance, everyone had gathered around the table and held various side-conversations about Sayuri's kittens and Shikai's progress in training, all of which ended abruptly when Pein cleared his throat. All eyes turned to him.

"Family," he addressed, by now well used-to using that term rather than "Akatsuki." "I have made a decision about our organization."

Interest sparked in everyone's faces; even Kai hadn't been previously informed of this event.

"Uchiha Ren," he continued, causing Ren to stiffen expectantly. "You have exhibited unique skill and talent from a young age. You've only ever disappointed me in the rare cases when I wanted less. It is with the least reluctance yet that I declare a new member of our organization."

It took a moment for this to really sink in, but soon enough Tobi reached for his adopted daughter and embraced her, cooing, "Oh, Ren, look at this! You're a member—you're actually included—this is the happiest day of Tobi's life—Tobi thinks he's going to cry!" He turned his mask sideways and dabbed at his eyes with Itachi's napkin, which apparently had been closest to his hand at the time. Itachi's expression remained almost entirely neutral, but there definitely was some trace of a smile in his Sharingan-red eyes.

Ren grinned. "Do I get my own room then?"

Pein paused, having not thought of this. "…only if you want the closet," he answered, shrugging.

Ren grimaced. "Never mind."

"Haruka-chan, Shikai-kun," Pein redirected, and his children sat upright in their seats. "You are excused. The initiation ceremonies are for members only."

Both made unpleasant cries of surprise. "But, but!" Shikai protested, "I'm better than her—why aren't _I_ being let in, too?" At the exact same moment, Haruka whined, "I wanna see Ren-chan in her new clothes!"

Pein shook his head. "Shikai-kun, I'm pushing the age limit for Ren—it's not anything about strength, it's about things in this world that you don't understand yet, and that you might never. Haruka-chan, that'll be her uniform. She'll be wearing it for the vast majority of her time. This won't be your only chance to see her new clothes. Furthermore, we can't exactly give her privacy in the kitchen with everyone here."

Haruka sulked and Shikai pouted, but both leaved the room, Kai escorting them out to ensure that they kept a safe distance.

Pein waited patiently for his girlfriend to return, a random speculation reminding him that he and Kai had never really married. He vaguely wondered if Hidan had the qualities that Jashin required of a person who could bond two people into marriage. If that religion even had anything resembling marriage in the first place.

Kai returned, explaining, "They're in our room, the door is locked, a chair is set under the handle, and the window is boarded such that if they _were_ to escape through it, there would be a loud crash that would be plenty of warning."

Pein blinked. "Honey, they're just kids—it's not like they're S-ranked criminals…"

"You mean you _want_ them to figure out that we _are_?" Kai asked nonchalantly, one eyebrow arcing gracefully. "And they _are_ our children—Ren-chan should be more than enough proof that the children of Akatsuki have great potential."

Having no supportive argument to speak of, Pein allowed only a brief pause for subject transfer before he cleared his throat. "Members of…hey, are you sure they can't listen through the floor?"

Kai grinned knowingly. "Quite."

Pein nodded, about to continue before adding, "Even the bathroom? I don't remember, do we have a window in the bathroom?"

Kai paused. "If they're good enough to get out of that window and survive, they deserve to know."

"Yes, _such_ a comfort…" Pein mumbled before clearing his throat once more and trying again, "Members of Akatsuki…well," he continued, frowning. It had been a while since there had been a new member, and thus he had absolutely forgotten the welcome speech. "We are gathered here today…" sounded like a wedding, a factor that Pein didn't realize until he'd spoken it. He cleared his throat and went on, "…to commemorate the assimilation of Uchiha Ren into our ranks." That sounded about right.

"And so," he went on, thinking he remembered this part. "I present to you"—no, he lost it—"these robes"—where'd they go, anyway?—"and this…ring"—why on earth was the initiation ceremony so much like a wedding? And where did he put the ring?—"and you are now bound to assist Akatsuki in its goals and the goals of its members"—the thing about the other members definitely was _not_ in the original script—"and you shall be repaid when the time comes."

There. He said it. Chances were, everyone else forgot the thing too, and it wouldn't matter that he skewered it.

"…okay," Ren agreed. "Where's the robes and ring?"

It came back to Pein. "On your bed." He also remembered the restraints that had to be put on her for a number of reasons. "Keep in mind, for the time being, this is nothing more than a title. In the odd case you go on a mission, it will only be under the occasion that someone else is incapacitated, and you will take his position on the pairing chart. You will not have any assistance with the sealing of the Bijuu, and your ring is to be worn on a chain around your neck rather than on any finger."

At that, breakfast was officially dismissed, even if the decision hadn't been voiced. The kitchen emptied until only Ren, Itachi, and Tobi remained with Pein and Kai. Just as Zetsu left, Tobi began talking in a relatively quiet voice.

"Otou-sama?" he began. "Have you noticed—Tobi started the family, and then three years later, Ren-chan and Haruka-chan and Shikai-kun come and the family gets bigger. And it's been three years since then, so do you think the family's going to get any bigger soon?"

Pein chuckled. "No, Tobi-kun. Our family won't be growing any more."

Pein left the room, unaware that he was right and wrong—the family wouldn't grow, but as Ren proceeded up the stairs to let Haruka and Shikai out before she tried on her now uniform, a team of ANBU agents in Konahagakure was being briefed on a mission involving the letter that would remind him of members that he hadn't thought about since the day Itachi joined Akatsuki…

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**A/n conclusively:** By the way, I'm sure it's quite clear by now to you that the third installment will include a letter at some point. And indeed it will. In the odd case that someone wants to guess and guesses it right...um...dunno what I'll do. You'll be mentioned on my list-of-fans-that-I-remember, I guess...and, if anyone guesses it close enough but with something different that I believe improves it, then I will likely include that difference and mention you frequently.

This is totally spontaneous, but--have I mentioned the origins of the title of this story? I probably have. But, I have a little time to kill and all, this won't take long and you can skip it.  
I first titled it at some point long enough ago that I hadn't put two and two together (because I did have both twos, due to my bored browsing of a name listing site) and figured that "tsuki" is relevant to "moon," and thus not "dawn." I remember someone somewhere mentioning that Akatsuki meant "red dawn," and obviously did not check this. Dawn of the Red Family is, honestly, the only vaguely coherrent way I could think of to include the concepts of red, dawn, and family. I wasn't exactly satisfied with it, but it wound up with this Snakes on a Plane kinda thing--where it became popular enough under the work-in-progress title and it was the most fitting name that could be thought of at the time so it was just left as it was.

Now! I feel absolutely concieted and/or a dork in saying this, but!:  
If you are unhappy with the concept of the end of this story, fear not! for, come December, I'll write and post the final installment of the trilogy! So, keep an eye out for it--this time I actually know what I'm going to call it, and it will be "Dawn of the Red Family: The Reunion".


	17. The innescapable Authors note

**A/n:** In case you haven't been reading my A/ns throughout the story (don't you dare deny it--I know at least _one_ of you has probably been skipping what I say), I'd like to make myself **_perfectly_** clear:

I will not be writing the third installment until DECEMBER. (there will probably be a Christmas special if I don't decide it's too biased or whatever, or if everyone screams NOOO!) This is due to National Novel Writing Month, the link to which can be found at the bottom of my profile. If you have any questions about that, go check it out. This will also mean that I will try to avoid checking my email, and thus will probably not notice if you review (don't get me wrong--REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW cough hint hint hint hint cough--just don't expect me to respond or anything all that quickly).

Before I think too much about how the final installment will end, I think I already have a general concept of what my readers think of Sasuke (the majority seems to lean on the hate/I want him to burn in hell side), but I would like a direct opinion. If you come back in December and see that everyone seems to have the opposite opinion as you do, then you may possibly want to skip on the last part (if the votes get close enough and/or I have enough free time and/or I get bored enough, then I may make an alternate ending).

And...yeah, that's--

NO WAIT THERE'S MORE!

I figured out how I'll be making it up to you guys for not being here for November--I'm writing a series of one-shot fillers! Unfortunately, I did not think about this until about five hours ago and it's Halloween and all that so I didn't get much work done, so it will probably only be one a week or so, but I know how it can get when you really want to read more, so hopefully it'll at least keep you guys from hating me for taking NaNo up instead of you. I love you, you know--I mean, maybe not in _that_ way, but I most certainly would have a considerably less happy life without you cool people.

Happy Halloween, Election Day, Turkey Day (Tofurky Day if I have any vegetarian readers), and any other holidays in November that I won't have time to offer happiness on in the really really skimpy A/ns that will be included with each chapter of one-shot.


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